Thanks David. I feel you are right about that.
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- Mon Oct 01, 2018 6:16 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Passing On
- Replies: 9
- Views: 6882
- Mon Oct 01, 2018 6:16 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Passing On
- Replies: 9
- Views: 6882
Re: Passing On
It's carefully written and makes for a good piece overall. The ending is a feel-good one. I don't think the line lengths employed suit the tone of the writing. The imagery and setting seem more languid. Not saying this is better, just experimenting from a different angle. This boy can move, like a ...
- Sun Sep 30, 2018 3:20 pm
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Passing On
- Replies: 9
- Views: 6882
Re: Passing On
This boy can move, like a younger me among potato drills, .......Love the language, but distracted wondering what potato drills are cool quick fingers stooping and sorting. His bucket rattling with every deposit, razors and clams .........here I get he's not bucketing potatoes, ...
- Sat Sep 29, 2018 4:24 pm
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Passing On
- Replies: 9
- Views: 6882
Re: Passing On
i would get rid of the line "a younger me" i am not a fan of poems in this kind of format. for me i have to work to hard to read it. but i like the images and the last line is great. Hi there thanks for reading. If I drop that line then I would be saying that the boy is among potato drills, which...
- Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:43 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Passing On
- Replies: 9
- Views: 6882
Passing On
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- Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:35 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Union Cafe
- Replies: 13
- Views: 9304
Re: Union Cafe
Our family gathered for Sunday lunch in a new restaurant. The menus arrived...brunch? An unexpected restriction; but we all found compromise and left quite satisfied a few hours later. Between courses, and from out of left field my father casually hit us with 'I read an article yesterday, and I t...
- Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:22 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: At which precise moment did you know.. revision
- Replies: 15
- Views: 10579
Re: At which precise moment did you know.. revision
Pages At the first signs of frost the geese arrowed south. You left footprints in the dew of a garden filled with webs suddenly visible in morning mist. I linger in our house beside the book you were reading, its pages yellowing into new season but never turning. Original At which precise moment ...
- Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:13 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Oyster
- Replies: 9
- Views: 6784
Re: Oyster
"Hope" and "potential" are abstract words. If you were doing expository writing you would need to define them. But Abstractions have no business in poetry which is built from concrete imagery. If this is a poem about the N's expectations for a relationship that does not come to fruition then those ...
- Fri Sep 28, 2018 7:06 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Oyster
- Replies: 9
- Views: 6784
Re: BvuRe: Oyster
Indeed the actual topic of the poem could be anything. What is clear is: someone was once excited and this excitement was fulfilled or produced by another who swept them off their feet. Normally this a romantic expression. That is not necessarily evident here. The other in the poem is no longer usi...
- Sun Sep 16, 2018 10:27 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Oyster
- Replies: 9
- Views: 6784