The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Would, "flapping images in a flurry, flee from view," seem too out there?

At Fifty Nine and Three Quarters I'm racing to catch up. So for me the first three lines are a must. The way I feel at the mo is 60 isn't old, so writing your memoirs would seem a little presumptious. You know? After that, I have to say, I preferred Indy's re-working of the poem. It reads better to ...

I do like this. For me, it's all in the title. We do indeed remain. 

Each atom, a seed of possibility.
 

I HAVE been divorced. And messily so. I still feel the repercussions today, albeit in small ways rather than large. I know what you were trying to say, it's just, for me, you could have chosen a more 'hit-you-in-the-balls' way of saying it.  The way you wrote it in terse words, doesn't invite me in ...

Imo, much improved.

PP =purple Prose. Flowery words. Cliche'd words. Words that sound good but aren't.

Hiya Dave. There's some good imagery here. BUT it's overshadowed by the PP. It's not doing this any favours. I'd drop it if it was mine. Also, those commas and breaks throw one out of the work. They jar. I'd love to see this re-written and edited to suit. E.G. A flock of breaths emerge from the bran...

Thanks for looking Dave.

Hey Dave. Good points. I agree about the 'leisurely', but not the hands. The hands are a juxtaposition of my hands and his. Same with the boy. I am he but also me from years ago. I probably just need to write it 'betterly'.

Thanks Colm. I'll ponder this one a bit more.