The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

The opening lines are so imaginative. To me, entropy is the true measure of time. Sidewalks eventually crumble, as do our bodies. Enjoyed S3 and 4 also. I'm not sure if you need S2. The poem covers its theme well enough in the other lines. 

I agree with the others about the opening line. It's an epic by itself. Loved this powerfully thoughtful poem, Tim.

Hi Saravanan..I have to be honest. This is too weighed down with melodrama and clichés. It needs some concrete images to hold it together. 

I like S2 and S3, but I'm really struggling with S1. It feels choppy and incohesive. I agree with Tim about the commas and emdashes.

Hi Hugh, So much to enjoy here, it's such a sensual poem.  Between tick (birth, the clock starts) and boom...we know what that is  http://www.tangledbranch.com/boards/images/smilies/icon_rolleyes.gif   what a great opening line; and the rest is a real treat. Super finishing S. Only suggestion...jus...

Agree with Matty. The scent on the neck is also a bit standard though pleasant of course. If the n has the smell of coffee does it mean he smells it or smells of it. Maybe it doesn' t matter but the verb have is fĺat perhaps I agree with you about "have". I wasn't crazy about it when I decided to p...

Matty11 wrote: ↑

Tue Oct 16, 2018 12:45 pm

Like blatant, though naked is familiar; likewise you could choose between intoxication/pungency; cut down on the conjunctions? (especially in S1)

cheers

Phil
 

 

Hi Phil. Thanks for your thoughts. I'm going to linger with this poem a while and consider some minor edits. Best..

Between tick and boom, walls and silence seem impenetrable, and love is naked and blatant. I still have the intoxicating pungency of dark coffee, the muted drama of newly rusted leaves at the window, the scent of her neck and week-old linens after a workday. I will savor this not yet, conduct my pas...

Thanks for the cue.  I was not aware of the lentils in that story.   :)   I am now.  I thought I got the Biblical references in the poem, but it comes clear not all of them.  Now I question what else I missed.  Obviously a lot.  So with my new tidbit of knowledge, I ask if Esau is the Speaker of th...

Hugh,  Love the music, the bounce, the energy of this.   Five verses of four line each, consisting of 13, 13, 13, and 7 syllable lines.    The poem is strongly reminiscent of  The Battle Hymn of the Republic, as well as its predecessor/tunemate, John Brown’s Body .  I have little trouble singing th...