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by lshmael
Wed Jul 25, 2018 8:10 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Death
Replies: 7
Views: 4896

Death

Two men take me to a cliff they're friends one sits by the edge the other wonders why hes sad it doesn't seem like much until you're there wondering what you'd do how much grip his shoes have watching the waves I dream of that step like a crystal stair there is equity what falls when we climb to mak...
by lshmael
Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:58 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: At Window
Replies: 14
Views: 9162

Re: At Window

The style is a bit realist for my taste. However, I think you captured the narrators desire for connection with skill. The last 2 lines are very well done. I wonder if it would be better without the first 4 lines.
by lshmael
Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:26 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Imagined
Replies: 6
Views: 4325

Re: Imagined

I like the whole poem, as well as the first stanza. Although perhaps you could swap finite for something else? I am interested to read your edit. I would change it something like this along a settled path remain as shadows along a concluded path remain mere shadows Nice work. Mirrors and the sea are...
by lshmael
Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:03 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Time together
Replies: 18
Views: 11002

Re: Time together

Hi Colm. I really like this poem. The canyon metaphor is very original (at least for me) and fits nicely. And then the meaning you give to the river and sand compliments it so well. Nice work.
by lshmael
Fri May 11, 2018 4:21 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Sorry Elon
Replies: 2
Views: 2327

Re: Sorry Elon

Hello Tracey, thank you for your very detailed review and critique of my poem. I wish this one got more attention than my other poem :) I don't really like to explain a poem but I will go a bit into it this time. Yes you are missing something with the title. It was one of the final edits because I t...
by lshmael
Tue May 08, 2018 12:04 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Sorry Elon
Replies: 2
Views: 2327

Sorry Elon

I was born in a strange land Full of green I have never seen war Except in the stars Some lord holds in his eye So many share his dream So many do not know - It is a sickness of dirt That pilfers in the dark Taking finer names With deafening applause I was born in the fields of kings Come to love th...
by lshmael
Mon May 07, 2018 11:55 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: The Sky
Replies: 8
Views: 5559

Re: The Sky

Thank you all for your thoughts and critique. I am always glad to know what other people think of my writing. Perhaps the grammar is too liberal this time :)
by lshmael
Mon May 07, 2018 11:35 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Can we bring back Voyager's gold invite please
Replies: 7
Views: 4935

Re: Can we bring back Voyager's gold invite please

Some interesting philosophy here. Does evil require an identity? I don't think the universe has one. I found "Voyager's gold invite" quite witty. As for critique, I would have liked some more imagery.
by lshmael
Mon May 07, 2018 11:30 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: On a hillop near Winchester.
Replies: 6
Views: 4664

Re: On a hillop near Winchester.

An enjoyable read Gyppo. I think "stoner neo-pagans" is quite funny. I read it as a nice slice of life poem, although it is a little bit too close to a short story in my opinion.
by lshmael
Sun May 06, 2018 1:59 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: The Sky
Replies: 8
Views: 5559

The Sky

Sweet blue plush!
why do I like cotton in the sky?
well, couldn't I sit on it?
weren't you a child once too?
with kingdoms in the ether -
The scales of heaven
lift so -
Saffron - Snow