The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Tracy, I do like the switch of the stanzas better thanks for pointing that out. Thanks for the read and feedback, always appreciated

Mark and Indar I appreciate the read through and your thoughts on the title. Maybe I should have made the whole thing a little more clear, still working on doing that. I also see what you mean about saying "lemons to lemonade" Indar, something like that might be a good touch.

Thanks for the reply, Phil. Hope it wasnt too many questions that it prompted without any resolution, I've been trying to stray away from doing that

I can't offer much here besides that I like the piece. The transition from line to line is clever, although I don't understand the work in its entirety. Regardless, well done

Ike

The minutes on the hour hand
slip.

Hold my hand
but take yours
when you need.

Have my hand
I don't need it
back.

To slip
isn't to fall.

Ski in the snow.

Hey Tim,  Also, I write a lot about my back field area. Lilacs at the corners of my lot have played a big part of my life. But I would disagree, it's isn't "always" lilacs...sometimes my wife is standing by them and I write about her  http://www.tangledbranch.com/boards/images/smilies/icon_e_wink.gi...

Don't get discouraged! Also, don't take anything too hard, we're all just other people on an internet poetry forum

Ike

I agree with Tim about the importance of titles, they can serve as a compass for the readers. I don't know if this is helpful, considering the other replies and you leaving this poem for a lil while, but I feel like this piece is a bit coerced. The vocabulary is responsible for that- a lot of words ...

Hi Tim, I like what you've got here. It's likely known by now, but I am a big fan of intrigue in poems- some sort of secret that the author knows and the reader has to try for. This piece has that without going overboard in obscurity by any means. There's rain, a match, a breeze, lilacs but s3 & s4 ...

Hi Hugh, I see this one as the progression through life, always yearning for something. And the conclusion- that it'll never be enough. Reminds me of this picture(sorry its so big). I'm also intrigued by the last line, it seems like even though nothing was enough, we still have to pay- kind of cynic...