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- Fri Feb 16, 2018 7:40 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Absentee Dad (revision2)
- Replies: 16
- Views: 11097
Re: An Act of Kindness
While i can see where Amy is coming from. The alternative would be to cut the first 2 lines which basically act as scene setting even though it is only a 4 line. Besides for me the description is a bit coventional. How else should a pumpkin head look? The behaviour of those who put it there is more ...
- Thu Feb 15, 2018 4:24 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Driving Down Mount Palomar
- Replies: 13
- Views: 9325
Re: Driving Down Mount Palomar
Hi Took me a while toenjoy this, which I think has to dowithe fact that S1 for me is the weakest. I like what Colm has suggested as it streamlines some of the images and provides some beautiful words to add to yourse or give them an extra dimension. The best lines are those revealing the rising blue...
- Thu Feb 15, 2018 4:20 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: The Greenhouse Effect
- Replies: 8
- Views: 6191
Re: The Greenhouse Effect
Hey Tim Overall I think this is the strongest poem you posted here. I love poems that wrap a metaphor in a story and vice versa and poems that embed the large themes in the intimate and personal. I also tend to like repetition and line endings that go against the grain. Having said that one could ar...
- Thu Feb 15, 2018 4:14 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: sexual humour
- Replies: 7
- Views: 5036
Re: sexual humour
Thanks Matty - I made a couple of changes. Thanks Colm, nice to gain your approval. Indar as you can see from my edit, the format is a blip in the system. It absolutely refuses to save the format I give it and so it insists on a randomly straying line.
Dave
Dave
- Fri Feb 09, 2018 3:58 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Fragments of a Wisconsin Childhood
- Replies: 9
- Views: 6259
Re: Fragments of a Wisconsin Childhood
Hi Tim i have reading this for a while now and enjoying it and being intrigued by it. The story is pretty commonplace, which is both good and bad - something a bit archaic now in the internet era, something a bit innocent about the town and discoveries and in light of current sexual/social events de...
- Fri Feb 09, 2018 3:48 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: West of Ireland
- Replies: 19
- Views: 11786
Re: West of Ireland
Hi Colm I really like this but prefer the immediacy of the original. Now it reads too deliberate and poetic. The fourth stanza is particulary stunning.
Dave
Dave
- Thu Feb 08, 2018 7:06 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: sexual humour
- Replies: 7
- Views: 5036
sexual humour
Egged on Mary laughs at Jamie once a month as he rides atop. ...
- Wed Feb 07, 2018 6:04 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: unmoved by lust (revised)
- Replies: 7
- Views: 5265
Re: unmoved by lust (revised)
Hey Indar
You know how it is:post comment revise comment revise. This is just trying things out, nothing is lost of changed.
Original still exists.
Thanks for returning and appreciate it very much.
Dave
You know how it is:post comment revise comment revise. This is just trying things out, nothing is lost of changed.
Original still exists.
Thanks for returning and appreciate it very much.
Dave
- Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:12 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: unmoved by lust (revised)
- Replies: 7
- Views: 5265
Re: unmoved by lust
Thanks Indar and Tim. My instincts go with Indar#s interpretation. Tim, you have highlighted aspects I felt undecided about. Dust can go, the two fors are a pain and I have not found a satisfactory replacement for writhing, which in the dictionary is indeed laden with pain although commonly used for...
- Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:54 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: unmoved by lust (revised)
- Replies: 7
- Views: 5265