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Happiness (revision3)

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Matty11
Posts: 1215
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Happiness (revision3)

Post by Matty11 » Sat Jan 15, 2022 7:26 am

revision3

A reclusive spider repairs
its fraying web;
the slovenly man
has moved on, and that
furtive cat has befriended
others elsewhere.
Diptera, incidental in
arachnid art, rarely visit.
It doesn't matter. The spider
threads. The web trembles.
Order survives, is satisfied.


------

revision2

A reclusive spider repairs
its fraying web,
though the slovenly man
moved on and that furtive cat
befriends elsewhere.
There are no leftovers.
Diptera, incidental in
arachnid art, rarely visit.
It doesn't matter. The spider
threads. The web trembles.
Happiness is caught in a web.




Revision


A reclusive spider repairs
its fraying web,
though the old man
moved on and that furtive cat
befriends elsewhere.
Diptera, incidental in
arachnid art, rarely visit.
It doesn't matter. The spider
threads. The web trembles.





Original

This reclusive spider repairs
its happiness web,
though the old man
moved on and that furtive cat
befriends elsewhere.
Diptera, incidental in
arachnid art, rarely visit.
It doesn't matter. The spider
threads. It is what it does.
Last edited by Matty11 on Wed Jan 19, 2022 3:06 am, edited 8 times in total.

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2050
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Re: Purpose

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Jan 15, 2022 11:13 am

Very nice, Phil.
I like the way the gentle, easy pace of it reflects the quiet scene.
Love lines 6 & 7 :)
You cram a hell of a lot into a short poem.

Matty11
Posts: 1215
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Purpose

Post by Matty11 » Sat Jan 15, 2022 10:25 pm

Thanks Colm. Yes, I like those lines too.

best

Phil

Dave
Posts: 1293
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: Happiness (revised)

Post by Dave » Sun Jan 16, 2022 1:50 pm

Hey Phil 
A gentle meditative poem and I learn a new word: diptera.

I could imagine moving the lines around.

And drop reclusive as to my ear it sounds intrusive (apologies for the rhyme) and actually somewhat irrelvant to spiders for some reason. I never ever see them in groups families or gangs. I seems to be directing the reader too much.

I would also cut the lines differently perhaps to indicative the spider alone as 

The old man has moved out(drop though)
and that cat befriends elsewhere (again without the modifier - too much directing of the reader going on)

A spider
repairs its web (drop the modifier since repairs already indicates damage).


though Diptera
incidental in arachnid art
rarely drop in for a visit (double meaning of drop in)...

just tinkering, sorry






 

Matty11
Posts: 1215
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Happiness (revision2)

Post by Matty11 » Sun Jan 16, 2022 4:19 pm

Thanks Dave. Appreciate the tinkering. I've expanded with some more elements.The question that was nagging me is why some spiders don't move on when the rest of the food chain does.

cheers

Phil

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Mark
Posts: 458
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:19 am

Re: Happiness (revision2)

Post by Mark » Mon Jan 17, 2022 9:40 pm

Cool poem. Reminds me of this one time when a big black and yellow rain spider set up shop in the kitchen of this raggedy house we had in the bush. Left it alone as a flycatcher. Used to feed it live insects and it got quite tame. Sold the place to a renovator and had to take the spider, Millie, with us when we moved but the new web she spun was a poor affair and she struggled to prosper.

I prefer the revision but something with that phrasing around the cat feels a bit ponderous.  

Matty11
Posts: 1215
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Happiness (revision2)

Post by Matty11 » Tue Jan 18, 2022 2:51 pm

Reminds me of this one time when a big black and yellow rain spider set up shop in the kitchen of this raggedy house we had in the bush. Left it alone as a flycatcher. Used to feed it live insects and it got quite tame. Sold the place to a renovator and had to take the spider, Millie, with us when we moved but the new web she spun was a poor affair and she struggled to prosper.
Love the story.

Phil

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