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Weather

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Dave
Posts: 1967
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Weather

Post by Dave » Wed Nov 22, 2023 10:50 am

A poem from Fives November now open for comment: in the original and then modified forms

Weather
original 

Striped glass fills a huge blue void;
rain from a clear solid sky breaks
expectation into lightning shards. 
Clouds smile along, shaped as folds
in a sunfilled down of feathers.

Wet music runs through downcast
reds and yellows perched precariously;
it is streams I hear, a blood rush over
mountain stones in my imagination.
A crow poses on a roof, watches.

The day is full of dull murmurs.
If I look away for a second and back,
the crow is gone, an image imprinted
in reverse, its certainty now doubt,
nature's colours all black mourning.

Modified

weather 

Rain floods from a cold blue void,
its wet music castinets  
through downcast reds and yellows perched precariously
on the verge of winter;

A solitary crow occupies a roof,
watchful of balance and sway.

If I look away for a second and back,
the crow is gone, its image imprinted
in reverse, its certainty now doubt,
nature's colours all black mourning.
 

skylightgreg
Posts: 117
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2023 2:13 pm

Re: Weather

Post by skylightgreg » Wed Nov 22, 2023 9:27 pm

yes, I think the modified poem works really well.

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2669
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Weather

Post by Colm Roe » Thu Nov 23, 2023 6:02 pm

The modified poem is definitely better.
When I read the original now it's trying too hard, and it lacks the visual/sensual precision you're renowned for. 
Minor crit, L3 could be split... it looks strange. I've an idea that it's due to whatever device you used to upload it.
'Perched on the verge of Winter' is just superb. 

indar
Posts: 2876
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Weather

Post by indar » Thu Nov 23, 2023 7:16 pm

I've read a couple of times and have decided you've written two different poems here. Perhaps, as Colm, says the first is a bit overwritten, but gosh, I miss some of the imagery and atmosphere of the first in the second. Could there be a compromise perhaps?

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Mark
Posts: 586
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am

Re: Weather

Post by Mark » Sat Dec 09, 2023 10:51 am

Here's my 2-minute edit for what it's worth - I took the lines I liked, wiped most of the modifiers, juggled a little, added nothing but a single word, and evaded all that crow after-imagery stuff. 


The day is full of murmurs.

Striped glass fills a blue void;
rain from a clear sky breaks
expectation into shards. 

It is streams I hear, a rush over
mountain stones in my imagination,
nature's colours are all black mourning.

A crow poses on a roof, watches.




 

Dave
Posts: 1967
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Weather

Post by Dave » Sat Dec 09, 2023 11:20 am

Thanks Mark. Excellent edit

binx
Posts: 62
Joined: Sun Mar 03, 2019 6:06 pm

Re: Weather

Post by binx » Fri Feb 09, 2024 10:33 am

The edited version brings a bit of Wallace Stevens to mind (Thirteen Ways...) and a word like 'precariously' is even hard to say aloud so streamlining to a more natural setting without all the commentary is good.  

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