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Harvest

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Mark
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:19 am

Harvest

Post by Mark » Fri Nov 30, 2018 9:46 pm

.
.

I cannot see what the mad painter
saw in those faraway wheat fields

It’s just stubble here as the sheaves
fall to waves of crumbling summer

And, the sheep have lambed. Crows
on barbed wire await their road kill

The tar ribbon unwinds as the sun
flattens the hills in folds of afternoon

A slice of sea in West Coast blue,
surf white houses far up ahead

I travel this road a lot. Once, I walked
all the way home from some other place.


 

Matty11
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Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Harvest

Post by Matty11 » Sat Dec 01, 2018 3:44 am

It’s just stubble here as the sheaves
fall to waves of crumbling summer.

And, the sheep have lambed. Crows
on barbed wire await their road kill.

The tar ribbon unwinds as the sun
flattens the hills in folds of afternoon.

A slice of sea in West Coast blue,
surf white houses far up ahead.

I travel this road a lot.
Enjoyed that Mark. Natural. You want to make your point so I understand the preamble and constructed conclusion.

cheers

Phil

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: Harvest

Post by indar » Sat Dec 01, 2018 2:43 pm

Great to see you here again Mark,

The imagery in this is so wonderful it takes a couple of reads to realize how smoothly it flows. The only thing I might question is the opening line "I cannot see a face" Perhaps something about not seeing what the mad painter saw since the intent seems to be to contrast the painter's fields to what the N sees. His intention wasn't to suggest a face, thats that Bev Doolittle stuff :D

https://www.moillusions.com/13-hidden-faces-illusion/

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Archaic_Torso
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Re: Harvest

Post by Archaic_Torso » Sun Dec 02, 2018 6:12 pm

I like this very much as a tour of imagery. Some beautiful linguistic moments too, but I don't know what to say about it in term of substance and meaning (not saying that as a negative). I came back to read this two more times which speaks for itself.

However, tonally, the last line sounds like it could be from another poem. The strength of this poem is very much in the fluency of its sequence of images impacting on the reader, so to end it on that would be better rather than what feels
s like an abtract interjection.

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Mark
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Re: Harvest

Post by Mark » Tue Dec 04, 2018 7:51 pm

Thanks for comments, Phil, Linda and AT.
Linda, I did have the first S without 'a face' but then added it for a bit of internal rhyme but I agree with you. Will change back. 
Phil, I like your abridgement.
AT, the last sentence... I actually wrote this as a vehicle for the time I did walk the whole distance between the towns, in a pair of old flip-flops yet, not saying why :roll: but it took me about 4 hours... the rest of the poem came out better. 

Dave
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Re: Harvest

Post by Dave » Wed Dec 05, 2018 9:59 pm

Hi Mark
Nice to have you back. I remember this from before and liked it then and like it now. I would cut the whole first stanza. The rest is Beautiful.
Dave
 

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Archaic_Torso
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Re: Harvest

Post by Archaic_Torso » Thu Dec 06, 2018 5:32 pm

Mark wrote:
Tue Dec 04, 2018 7:51 pm
Thanks for comments, Phil, Linda and AT.
Linda, I did have the first S without 'a face' but then added it for a bit of internal rhyme but I agree with you. Will change back. 
Phil, I like your abridgement.
AT, the last sentence... I actually wrote this as a vehicle for the time I did walk the whole distance between the towns, in a pair of old flip-flops yet, not saying why :roll: but it took me about 4 hours... the rest of the poem came out better. 
Thanks for the interesting backstory. I've found that the line that comes into my head first is the line that needs to go before the poem can be considered complete. I hate that.
 

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Mark
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Re: Harvest

Post by Mark » Thu Dec 06, 2018 10:07 pm

I don't agree, if I understand you right. That first bit that becomes redundant serves as the gateway to the field of the poem, so it is vital in that sense. The trick though is to recognize that redundancy, all too often we cling to the opening. 

Hi Dave, thanks, trust all is well with you.  

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Mark
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Re: Harvest

Post by Mark » Thu Dec 06, 2018 10:09 pm

Opening adjusted.

Dave
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Re: Harvest

Post by Dave » Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:41 am

Hi Mark
I am very well thanks and struggling to get pen to paper since I am busy with life in general and don't really have much faith in my writing these days but not suffering in any way because of that. And you?
Dave
 

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