God

[Tim J Brennan]

xxxxxx

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[Colm Roe]

Like it Tim.
I know it's a novel way to do it...but find 'he/she said' mid speak a bit distracting.
I assume it's a way of pulling the reader in as an actual observer, and on reflection it kind of does...but.
Anywho, I'm sure your green shirt looks fab 

[Dave]

The punch line is obvious but funny. As experiment hesaid/sha said seems worthwhile. Now that it has appeared a second time the couple sound like they need a speech therapist, likewise the reader reading the poem aloud.

[Dave]

[Tim J Brennan]

Like it Tim.
I know it's a novel way to do it...but find 'he/she said' mid speak a bit distracting.
I assume it's a way of pulling the reader in as an actual observer, and on reflection it kind of does...but.
Anywho, I'm sure your green shirt looks fab 

If you consider it novel AND distracting, it's working just fine, Colm. Thank you.

[Tim J Brennan]

The punch line is obvious but funny. As experiment hesaid/sha said seems worthwhile. Now that it has appeared a second time the couple sound like they need a speech therapist, likewise the reader reading the poem aloud.

My Dad worked for a radio station his whole life. When I was a kid, I remember an old show his station carried called "The Bickersons'" (Don Ameche & Francis Langford). I'm trying for something a bit more edgy or maybe something w/a tinge of sadness.

"speech therapist"....no, but it's a start. Thank you.

[Dolores]

Really It's one of the nice poem I ever read

[indar]

I remember the bickersons only too well--when Ameche gat an Oscar for Cocoon I still hated him.

That said, I am puzzled by these pieces of yours--It seems the writing is about the writing--featuring strange syntax and moderne line breaks. But the content is not what I expect from you. I remember your wonderful poem about Evelyn--she was so real and relatable but your speakers in these recent ones are even more one dimensional than the Bickersons. There is no flash of insight--this second one seems to be going for the pithy ending but to me it is predictable.

 

[Tim J Brennan]

I remember the bickersons only too well--when Ameche gat an Oscar for Cocoon I still hated him.

That said, I am puzzled by these pieces of yours--It seems the writing is about the writing--featuring strange syntax and moderne line breaks. But the content is not what I expect from you. I remember your wonderful poem about Evelyn--she was so real and relatable but your speakers in these recent ones are even more one dimensional than the Bickersons. There is no flash of insight--this second one seems to be going for the pithy ending but to me it is predictable.

 

Sorry things aren't working in these two pieces for you, Indar. I suppose I could write Evelyn-type poems (glad that one worked...wipes brow) for the rest of my life, but I was told early on to try different things so I wouldn't end up a one trick pony. And so I tried this. It helps me sort out my ideas for theater sometimes to write he said / she said dialogue.

When I started, these two "one dimensional" thingees came out. So I posted them. I may post another.

[indar]

Sorry things aren't working in these two pieces for you, Indar. I suppose I could write Evelyn-type poems (glad that one worked...wipes brow) for the rest of my life, but I was told early on to try different things so I wouldn't end up a one trick pony. And so I tried this. It helps me sort out my ideas for theater sometimes to write he said / she said dialogue.


When I started, these two "one dimensional" thingees came out. So I posted them. I may post another.

First of all let me state that I struggle and fail more often than succeed but I know that out there in the ether there is an infinite number of ways of doing character development without writing same old same old.

But Kudos for putting your experiments out there.