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Classroom (revised)
Re: Classroom (revised)
Thanks Ike. I've expanded and changed the title to give more transparency.
cheers
Phil
cheers
Phil
Re: Classroom (revised)
Interesting read. Despite Linda's primer, I'm only seeing this at face value, which is well. I can sense some sort of allegory or metaphor but it's eluding my perception.
Re: Classroom (revised)
Hi Phil--
I was so in love with the first version I may be biased---I liked the ambiguity. There was enough there to feel I was safe in my assumptions about the meaning at the end but had the fun of imagining what that old teacher was doing.
I was so in love with the first version I may be biased---I liked the ambiguity. There was enough there to feel I was safe in my assumptions about the meaning at the end but had the fun of imagining what that old teacher was doing.
Re: Classroom (revised)
Thanks for coming back. Yes, you did connect in the way I intended on your first read.
cheers
Phil
- Marc Gilbert
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Re: Classroom (revised)
Matty11 wrote: ↑Sun Nov 04, 2018 10:44 pmrevision
My old teacher, telling lewd jokes
to mallards, wears a feathered hat.
The sign says 'Do not feed the ducks'
but life for him does not change overnight.
He shares forbidden bread. I let him be.
original
My old teacher, telling lewd jokes
to mallards, wears a feathered hat.
The sign says ' do not feed the ducks'
but life does not change overnight.
Nice bit of reflection. I lean in preference toward the original. I think the quote in L3 would sound better if it read: "Don't feed the duck", the two hard sounds of "do not" jarred me a bit out of the tone. I'm guessing this may be a literal quote from an actual sign, but hell, we have license :)
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery
Re: Classroom (revised)
That's a nice little poem.
I too, liked the original better than the revision. I feel the revision detracts, rather than adds to the poem.
I too, liked the original better than the revision. I feel the revision detracts, rather than adds to the poem.
Re: Classroom (revised)
Yes, it is a literal quote Marc and therefore the language is formal. The sonics were intended to mimic a particular voice...the 'superior teacher'
cheers
phil
cheers
phil
- Tracy Mitchell
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- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Classroom (revised)
I am late to this Phil. So evocative. I love the soft humor and gentleness.
There is a humility and integrity to the old man -- I wonder what kinds of old coots our generation will produce.
The feathered hat is a real nice touch.
While I prefer the original, it is fine to add the forbidden bread line.
But I would think twice about the Speaker closing the poem by saying "I let him be". It lets some of the air out of the balloon, I think, because heretofore the poem has not been about the Speaker doing anything but observing and reporting. Just my view.
T
There is a humility and integrity to the old man -- I wonder what kinds of old coots our generation will produce.
The feathered hat is a real nice touch.
While I prefer the original, it is fine to add the forbidden bread line.
But I would think twice about the Speaker closing the poem by saying "I let him be". It lets some of the air out of the balloon, I think, because heretofore the poem has not been about the Speaker doing anything but observing and reporting. Just my view.
T