Classroom (revised)

[Matty11]

Thanks Ike. I've expanded and changed the title to give more transparency.

cheers

Phil

[Mark]

Interesting read. Despite Linda's primer, I'm only seeing this at face value, which is well. I can sense some sort of allegory or metaphor but it's eluding my perception. 

[Matty11]

Interesting read. Despite Linda's primer, I'm only seeing this at face value, which is well. I can sense some sort of allegory or metaphor but it's eluding my perception. 
Thanks for taking a look Mark. I have edited L4 for more clarity.

cheers

Phil

 

[indar]

Hi Phil--

I was so in love with the first version I may be biased---I liked the ambiguity. There was enough there to feel I was safe in my assumptions about the meaning at the end but had the fun of imagining what that old teacher was doing.

[Matty11]

Hi Phil--

I was so in love with the first version I may be biased---I liked the ambiguity. There was enough there to feel I was safe in my assumptions about the meaning at the end but had the fun of imagining what that old teacher was doing.

Thanks for coming back. Yes, you did connect in the way I intended on your first read.

cheers

Phil

[Marc Gilbert]

revision

My old teacher, telling lewd jokes
to mallards, wears a feathered hat.
The sign says 'Do not feed the ducks'
but life for him does not change overnight.
He shares forbidden bread. I let him be.

original

My old teacher, telling lewd jokes
to mallards, wears a feathered hat.
The sign says ' do not feed the ducks'
but life does not change overnight.

Nice bit of reflection. I lean in preference toward the original. I think the quote in L3 would sound better if it read: "Don't feed the duck", the two hard sounds of "do not" jarred me a bit out of the tone. I'm guessing this may be a literal quote from an actual sign, but hell, we have license :)

 

[Dansinger]

That's a nice little poem.

I too, liked the original better than the revision. I feel the revision detracts, rather than adds to the poem.

[Matty11]

Yes, it is a literal quote Marc and therefore the language is formal. The sonics were intended to mimic a particular voice...the 'superior teacher'

cheers

phil
 

[Matty11]

That's a nice little poem.

I too, liked the original better than the revision. I feel the revision detracts, rather than adds to the poem.

Thanks Dan. Too much detail or not enough, always a holy grail!

cheers

Phil
 

[Tracy Mitchell]

I am late to this Phil. So evocative. I love the soft humor and gentleness.
There is a humility and integrity to the old man -- I wonder what kinds of old coots our generation will produce.

The feathered hat is a real nice touch.

While I prefer the original, it is fine to add the forbidden bread line.

But I would think twice about the Speaker closing the poem by saying "I let him be". It lets some of the air out of the balloon, I think, because heretofore the poem has not been about the Speaker doing anything but observing and reporting. Just my view.

T