The Bokeh Effect

[Tim J Brennan]

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

[Dave]

Much to like and some quibbles. It took a while to get going, shone in the italics and ended with a limp must- round- it- off act of wisdom. A few bits of language doubts remain too:
Fireplace mantle mantle is more elegant or just mantle. Don't picture your parents adjusting the faces- with a marker? Photoshop?
Too much suits - is very awkward
Brighter than not then. Sweet memories

[Colm Roe]

Liking this Tim. 
But it reads like a first draft; something you had to 'put down'.
Agree with most of Dave's suggestions.
It's a keeper...but needs to be refined IMO. 

[indar]

 

In the photograph on my fireplace mantle,
my parents have adjusted all the faces— --"adjusted" conjures up an image of the parents fingering their children's faces. Would "arranged" work 

my sisters in blue dresses, my brother
and I in too small suits. Our eyes shine because "too" and "small" both modify suits should they be hyphenated?

at life ahead; mother’s eyebrows
are plucked, her dark hair pulled back,

black dress, pearls. Father has his Brylcreem The repetition of "eyes" and "dress/dresses" seems more accidental than used as poetic sonics for some reason---could be just me
sheen, is rumpled. He looks like a little boy.

The photograph says
my home is still there:

See, it says, the weedy garden, its birch tree border,
the unlocked doors, the dining room table piled
with bills, sunlight running along the stairs, lined
with portraits of other long lost relatives patient
for such sittings.

I can hear father singing, a little tune, cheerful,
out of key; I can see mother’s thin slices of leftover
home-made cinnamon crusts she would leave
for me after baking her Sunday apple pie.

The blur of time surprises me; the day is brighter
then it ever was. Its effect is my own to do with it
what pleases me.

Thank you for the new word "bokeh" . Had to google it. I agree the poem speaks to the power of imagery (the photograph) and there is much about it to like but it seems to need more work.

[Tim J Brennan]

Much to like and some quibbles. It took a while to get going, shone in the italics and ended with a limp must- round- it- off act of wisdom. A few bits of language doubts remain too:
Fireplace mantle mantle is more elegant or just mantle. Don't picture your parents adjusting the faces- with a marker? Photoshop?
Too much suits - is very awkward
Brighter than not then. Sweet memories

Parents "adjust" children's faces/smiles all the time for a family portrait, Dave. But I do like Indar's suggestion below.

"Too much suits" is not in the poem.

then/than = I thought maybe my friend would chime in. It's one of his pet peeves. But I'll edit it now

Thanks.

[Tim J Brennan]

Liking this Tim. 
But it reads like a first draft; something you had to 'put down'.
Agree with most of Dave's suggestions.
It's a keeper...but needs to be refined IMO. 

Thanks. I will keep it.

[Tim J Brennan]

 

In the photograph on my fireplace mantle,
my parents have adjusted all the faces— --"adjusted" conjures up an image of the parents fingering their children's faces. Would "arranged" work 

my sisters in blue dresses, my brother
and I in too small suits. Our eyes shine because "too" and "small" both modify suits should they be hyphenated?

at life ahead; mother’s eyebrows
are plucked, her dark hair pulled back,

black dress, pearls. Father has his Brylcreem The repetition of "eyes" and "dress/dresses" seems more accidental than used as poetic sonics for some reason---could be just me
sheen, is rumpled. He looks like a little boy.

The photograph says
my home is still there:

See, it says, the weedy garden, its birch tree border,
the unlocked doors, the dining room table piled
with bills, sunlight running along the stairs, lined
with portraits of other long lost relatives patient
for such sittings.

I can hear father singing, a little tune, cheerful,
out of key; I can see mother’s thin slices of leftover
home-made cinnamon crusts she would leave
for me after baking her Sunday apple pie.

The blur of time surprises me; the day is brighter
then it ever was. Its effect is my own to do with it
what pleases me.

Thank you for the new word "bokeh" . Had to google it. I agree the poem speaks to the power of imagery (the photograph) and there is much about it to like but it seems to need more work.

I like "arranged"...thank you, Indar.

The repetition is no accident.

I like your suggestion to hyphenate these things. Even if it's not right, I like markings to break up text.

I like new words, too.

[Dave]

You are right too small suits not too much. Still awkward phrase. I get that before a photo parents can get children to xhange their expressions. It had more to do with the way it was phrased. Arranged is indeed better IMO.

[Tim J Brennan]

You are right too small suits not too much. Still awkward phrase. I get that before a photo parents can get children to xhange their expressions. It had more to do with the way it was phrased. Arranged is indeed better IMO.

I agree. Thanks, Dave.