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The mourning of a man - unable to help a dying angel !

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Julie James
Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2018 12:06 am

The mourning of a man - unable to help a dying angel !

Post by Julie James » Tue Nov 20, 2018 1:47 am

The dithering ode makes heaviness in heart
My oscillating thoughts like flagging boats
suffer like stitching bloody heart with tacks
Every drop of pouring tears wound my heart.
Your sudden fade ruins my life
I feel handless to wipe your sorrows,
A sad moan disrupts my soul and
the world will see the fall of this dire man 

 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: The mourning of a man - unable to help a dying angel !

Post by Dave » Wed Nov 21, 2018 3:48 am

While this is an improvement in increased use of imagery and sensory language it still suffers from abstractions and poor grammar.
I am not sure dithering is the right word here as it suggests a hesitant confused old man but even we go with it fhe line would read better as:
The dithering ode makes my heart heavy
Othe dithering ode weighs heavy on my heart.
The only problem then is cliche.
Lines 2 and 3 make little sense as written but would if written so:
My thoughts oscillate like flagging boats,
My heart hurts as if closed by tacks.
The next line i would leave - tears wounding the heart is cliche and makes no sense.
And so it goes on: i feel handless does not work but i have no hands to wipe might work.

If i were you i would try to be less poetic and tell the truth. Any poem about hearts and souls, especially souls whatever they are, are doomed to fail. What do you realy feel?

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: The mourning of a man - unable to help a dying angel !

Post by Dave » Wed Nov 21, 2018 3:49 am

Oh and the same is true of angels. Fantasy figures of little interest IMO.

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