The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

The dithering ode makes heaviness in heart
My oscillating thoughts like flagging boats
suffer like stitching bloody heart with tacks
Every drop of pouring tears wound my heart.
Your sudden fade ruins my life
I feel handless to wipe your sorrows,
A sad moan disrupts my soul and
the world will see the fall of this dire man 
 

While this is an improvement in increased use of imagery and sensory language it still suffers from abstractions and poor grammar.
I am not sure dithering is the right word here as it suggests a hesitant confused old man but even we go with it fhe line would read better as:
The dithering ode makes my heart heavy
Othe dithering ode weighs heavy on my heart.
The only problem then is cliche.
Lines 2 and 3 make little sense as written but would if written so:
My thoughts oscillate like flagging boats,
My heart hurts as if closed by tacks.
The next line i would leave - tears wounding the heart is cliche and makes no sense.
And so it goes on: i feel handless does not work but i have no hands to wipe might work.

If i were you i would try to be less poetic and tell the truth. Any poem about hearts and souls, especially souls whatever they are, are doomed to fail. What do you realy feel?

Oh and the same is true of angels. Fantasy figures of little interest IMO.