Wisconsin Rhapsody (1974)

[Tim J Brennan]

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

xxxxxx

[indar]

This was an interesting read. The first time through I wondered where it was going---I began to suspect it was a nostalgic trip, some of which I could relate to--nice appeal to the senses: vanilla Lucky Strikes (Camels in my family) and cinnamon sticks (well that would have been a bit sophisticated). The Beach Road house is so summery and carefree I'm starting to feel the way I did when I watched "Summer of 42" on the silver screen. And then it went sideways taking me with to the real world. The last line feels as though the true story has just begun--

Nice write--

[Tim J Brennan]

This one works for me. Some nice linguistic moments, I like the sudden shifts in perspective of the speaker which in prose would read as non-sequiturs, disjointed. Line three into line four, and cinnamon sticks into stanza five. I like it.

How you opt to open the poem with a strong metaphor instead of the obvious choice which would have been stanza two, which gives us the material context of the poem and sparks the narrator's memory. Your language is never tired or cliché.

Always very readable.

When writing becomes "obvious" to others, it may be time to try hang-gliding.

[Tim J Brennan]

This was an interesting read. The first time through I wondered where it was going---I began to suspect it was a nostalgic trip, some of which I could relate to--nice appeal to the senses: vanilla Lucky Strikes (Camels in my family) and cinnamon sticks (well that would have been a bit sophisticated). The Beach Road house is so summery and carefree I'm starting to feel the way I did when I watched "Summer of 42" on the silver screen. And then it went sideways taking me with to the real world. The last line feels as though the true story has just begun--

Nice write--

Love "Summer of '42"...but am more glad about your last sentence. Otherwise this write would be a failure. Thank you.

[Dave]

In a way I am intrigued more by Indar's comment than the poem. The descriptions in the seven middle stanzas are a pleasant enough, though for the most part not entirely original - mother's washing and the railroad box cars are familiar enough images. Nevertheless, most of the images are clear to see or smell or hear and. The trenches round the eyes I can't see - trenches seems somewhat dramatic - but the gluey heat is strong. I am uncertain about the switch from singualr particular to the multiple of summer nights.

The parenthetic first and last stanzas leave me blank, however. The first line is interesting because of the 'is'; fog is time rather than 'is like' time or time is foggy. The lines make fog synonymous wtih time. The next two lines, however, say little to me, the construction feels contextless and unconnected. Perhaps this is because of a lack of subject or because it is not clear how it should read: 'no musical notes to move'. It has a kind of 'Oh yeh, and...?'

Indar found the last stanza 'went sideways taking me with it to the real world' and that it 'feels as if the true story has just begun', however, I confess they leave me at a loss to know how they relate to the rest - heart attacks, sex, werewolves, crucifixon.

I also wonder about line breaks: in particular, in S2. A fairly mundane prose sentence broken down into lines highlighting certain phrases and words:
Mother's folded (sounds funny read aloud and paused after folded), for example. On the one hand, they might serve to echo the fogginess of time/memory and on the other they do what makes poetry sometimes annoying; they try to make too much out of something minor.

Last thought, atop means on top of so strictly speaking unless the table cloth is folded to form a mound or hill atop does not make sense. On would werve better.

Dave

[Tim J Brennan]

In a way I am intrigued more by Indar's comment than the poem. The descriptions in the seven middle stanzas are a pleasant enough, though for the most part not entirely original - mother's washing and the railroad box cars are familiar enough images. Nevertheless, most of the images are clear to see or smell or hear and. The trenches round the eyes I can't see - trenches seems somewhat dramatic - but the gluey heat is strong. I am uncertain about the switch from singualr particular to the multiple of summer nights.

The parenthetic first and last stanzas leave me blank, however. The first line is interesting because of the 'is'; fog is time rather than 'is like' time or time is foggy. The lines make fog synonymous wtih time. The next two lines, however, say little to me, the construction feels contextless and unconnected. Perhaps this is because of a lack of subject or because it is not clear how it should read: 'no musical notes to move'. It has a kind of 'Oh yeh, and...?'

Indar found the last stanza 'went sideways taking me with it to the real world' and that it 'feels as if the true story has just begun', however, I confess they leave me at a loss to know how they relate to the rest - heart attacks, sex, werewolves, crucifixon.

I also wonder about line breaks: in particular, in S2. A fairly mundane prose sentence broken down into lines highlighting certain phrases and words:
Mother's folded (sounds funny read aloud and paused after folded), for example. On the one hand, they might serve to echo the fogginess of time/memory and on the other they do what makes poetry sometimes annoying; they try to make too much out of something minor.

Last thought, atop means on top of so strictly speaking unless the table cloth is folded to form a mound or hill atop does not make sense. On would werve better.

Dave

Thanks, Dave.

Was curious...do hear sound in memories?

[Dave]

I do. But it was an aspect unclear to me in the poem. Where exactly the pieces fit timewise

[Tim J Brennan]

I do. But it was an aspect unclear to me in the poem. Where exactly the pieces fit timewise

...memories never "fit" in any particular order, Dave. It doesn't have to be "clear" to you. And I'm not even sure what that means anyway.

Not sure either what your reference to the "rest" (e.g. heart attacks, sex, werewolves) means either. Your interpretations and your expectations are always beyond me. Sorry.

as to your difficulty w/line breaks: "mother's folded"....to me that is a memory; folded and put atop others. She spent much of her life dealing w/laundry: five kids, cloth diapers, six million socks and sheets, etc. I don't think others will have a hard time following it. Or you an only child? If an image draws "blanks" w/you personally, I don't think it deems change for everyone.

Thanks for your thoughts. Appreciate them all. Some to ponder, some not.