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General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Tim J Brennan

Re: Foreign

Post by Tim J Brennan » Mon Nov 26, 2018 7:34 pm

Archaic_Torso wrote:
Sat Nov 24, 2018 10:29 pm
Where do rivers begin?
Like an enchantment,
the river sings back to me

in another language.

I walk through a storm with no rain.
The clouds part to form the lisp of a soft c.
Rs rumble like murmurs,
rolling through walls like distant TV sets.
I imagine the taste of my own tongue.

I walk mute along the bank like an apparition.
Fend off attackers that no one perceives:
my arms wave and plead, like lovers
who can´t explain their grief.

This river runs deep. I think of the illusionist
who will not reveal his secrets.
Hear the call of waders, in search of worms
in far off-nearby waters.

I will learn the rivers of Asia.
Trace their routes onto the palms of my hands.
Feel the sediments exfoliate my skin.
Glisten in a shy sun.

After all is said, I do like the last stanza and the images of the rivers of Asia / the lines of the hands. Very good. I can see it and it makes sense. That's a wonderful image and I wish I had more of that all the way through instead of abstract stuff like "a storm without rain." or "...rumbles, and murmurs" or a question in the very first line of the poem that sounds like it's answered in the second. BTW, I have stepped across the birth point of the Mississippi. It can be done and that's where a real river starts.

Too many similes that don't lead anywhere.

You have a small c but a capitalized R. (stuff like this drives me crazy...)

I think you're trying really hard to "sound" poetic, but no matter how hard I try to visualize it, you not being able to taste your tongue doesn't do much for me.

You talk of plural rivers but only seem to want to focus on "the" river. Why is that? I can only assume it must be somewhere in Asia.

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