Moon conquered the sun
while darkness rules the entire place
The owls make dreadful sounds
The breeze in the trees sing a song
The dry leaves make a rhythm for the song
while the lightning fulfills the haunted theme
The nails of my fingers exhausted
My eyes were looking around the broad-winged bats
While my shivered legs were not able to stand,
an hard hand landed on my shoulder
And one weird voice asked, "What're you doing here little boy?"
My fear frozen body fell down on the ground
When my eyes opened,
I found myself in an old graveyard
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A night at graveyard
Re: A night at graveyard
I am sorry Julie but this has all the same problems as the other problems beginning with grammar, abstract language, strange constructions and perhaps a continuing obcession with death and graveyards.
(The) Moon conquered the sun (or Moon conquered sun)
while darkness rules (entire place is vague and abstract and obvious)
The owls make dreadful sounds (use a verb that actually shows something - screech, yell, call just not the generic word sounds)
The breeze in the trees sing(s) a song
The dry leaves make (something more interesting than make - provide, rustle, tap )a rhythm for the song
while lightning haunts (verbs are stronger than nouns or adjectives and haunting theme is a dull construction)
The nails of my fingers exhausted (My fingernails...)
My eyes were looking around the broad-winged bats (looked - and not sure how you can look around broad winged bats - what do you mean?)
While my shivered legs were not able to stand, (shivering)
an(a) hard hand landed (is it a bird's hand; if not it is unlikely to land) on my shoulder
And one (a)weird voice (weird voice though is abstract and not very revealing) asked, "What're you doing here little boy?"
My fear frozen body fell down on the ground
When my eyes opened,
I found myself in an old graveyard ( not a very original or strong ending, especially since you told us this in the title. This needs something more thna just a mere graveyard to be dramatic)
Lots of work to do.
(The) Moon conquered the sun (or Moon conquered sun)
while darkness rules (entire place is vague and abstract and obvious)
The owls make dreadful sounds (use a verb that actually shows something - screech, yell, call just not the generic word sounds)
The breeze in the trees sing(s) a song
The dry leaves make (something more interesting than make - provide, rustle, tap )a rhythm for the song
while lightning haunts (verbs are stronger than nouns or adjectives and haunting theme is a dull construction)
The nails of my fingers exhausted (My fingernails...)
My eyes were looking around the broad-winged bats (looked - and not sure how you can look around broad winged bats - what do you mean?)
While my shivered legs were not able to stand, (shivering)
an(a) hard hand landed (is it a bird's hand; if not it is unlikely to land) on my shoulder
And one (a)weird voice (weird voice though is abstract and not very revealing) asked, "What're you doing here little boy?"
My fear frozen body fell down on the ground
When my eyes opened,
I found myself in an old graveyard ( not a very original or strong ending, especially since you told us this in the title. This needs something more thna just a mere graveyard to be dramatic)
Lots of work to do.