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General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Flies Die By The Windows

Post by Matty11 » Tue Dec 04, 2018 7:54 pm

Very expressive AT.
insecurities throbbed in waves.
I find that kind of expression overwrought.
and they always die by the windows
where the air is freshest.
I don't find any surface logic  in that (detracts from any intended metaphor)
Under the murky glow
of the new moon.
Sounds like you're trying to be poetic
Tireless buzzing
under pillows, faint tapping against glass.

I thought that translated the mind state.

The 'internalised' voice of this story may interest:

https://www.gutenberg.org/files/5200/5200-h/5200-h.htm

cheers

Phil

 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Flies Die By The Windows

Post by Dave » Wed Dec 05, 2018 3:01 pm

I am sure I have seen this before. For me too lon and overwrought for the subject matter but there is a kernal of wisdom trying to get out.
Dave
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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3179
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: Flies Die By The Windows

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Sun Dec 09, 2018 10:53 am

I like this reflective piece, but also agree that its length tends to reduce its effectiveness. An exercise I learned last summer is to take a draft poem and count the words. Then write a draft of the poem using only 1/3 the number of words. Then, from the new/shorter draft, re-write it using 2x the words (without recourse to the first draft). Accordioning back and forth in this way tends to polish the threads and images like a rock tumbler. :)

Here, I would think about reducing explanatory words as fitting. But use a light touch, the more ethereal lines of the poem are well grounded in specifics, and you don't want to screw with that.

Cheers.

T

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