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loose clockwork

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
Ike
Posts: 87
Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:52 pm

loose clockwork

Post by Ike » Sun Dec 02, 2018 6:45 pm

The minutes on the hour hand
slip.

Hold my hand
but take yours
when you need.

Have my hand
I don't need it
back.

To slip
isn't to fall.

Ski in the snow.

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: loose clockwork

Post by Matty11 » Mon Dec 03, 2018 9:04 pm

hi Ike

The giving of ones time to someone else? The breaking away from restrictions? The ambition to risk, to be 'imperfect, to succeed? The poem prompted questions,

cheers

Phil

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Mark
Posts: 586
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am

Re: loose clockwork

Post by Mark » Fri Dec 07, 2018 2:16 pm

Loved the title but the poem disappointed. The first line perplexed me, chronometer-wise, and then the middle sounded like a basic narcissist/empath thing going on and the ending plain jarred. Sorry if this seems unfair because I don't get it.

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: loose clockwork

Post by indar » Sat Dec 08, 2018 12:49 pm

I agree with Mark---I expected some hinkey-jinky cog and gear slippage that dealt with time perceived or something. You may be able to work out a poem that fulfills such expectations while retaining the gist of the poem as written. I hope you try something like that ;)

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: loose clockwork

Post by indar » Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:33 pm

Oh one other thing it took me a few reads to get the last couple of lines---I think it would be helpful to the reader if there was a bit more of a hint---"lemons to lemonade: ski in the snow.

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Mark
Posts: 586
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am

Re: loose clockwork

Post by Mark » Sat Dec 08, 2018 2:27 pm

The title's brilliant - imagine a Tom poem to follow. It made me expect some kind of a nutter but subtle - it does work for Ike's piece too.

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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3179
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: loose clockwork

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Sun Dec 09, 2018 8:39 am

I like this Ike. I took it as less about time than about finding the right distance in a relationship.

I would suggest you consider the effect of swapping the position of these stanzas:

Hold my hand
but take yours
when you need.

Have my hand
I don't need it
back.


Love the ending.

Cheers.

T

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Marc Gilbert
Posts: 145
Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:02 am
Location: Chicago, USA
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Re: loose clockwork

Post by Marc Gilbert » Sun Dec 09, 2018 11:25 am

Ike wrote:
Sun Dec 02, 2018 6:45 pm
The minutes on the hour hand
slip.

Hold my hand
but take yours
when you need.

Have my hand
I don't need it
back.

To slip
isn't to fall.

Ski in the snow.

I like this. The length of the opening line and its juxtaposition in structure from the remaining lines suggests the slippage. Two small suggestions: Drop "back" from S3. And I'd want to read the last line as "Ski the snow slowly", but I'm a flagrant abuser of alliteration, specifically sibilance.  
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

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Dansinger
Posts: 865
Joined: Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:29 am

Re: loose clockwork

Post by Dansinger » Sun Dec 09, 2018 1:25 pm

Uncomfortable. That's how this poem makes me feel. Which means it works. I evokes emotion.

I can't honestly say I like it, but that's not the point. You grabbed my attention - and held it.

Ike
Posts: 87
Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:52 pm

Re: loose clockwork

Post by Ike » Mon Dec 31, 2018 7:42 pm

Thanks for the reply, Phil. Hope it wasnt too many questions that it prompted without any resolution, I've been trying to stray away from doing that

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