The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

The minutes on the hour hand
slip.

Hold my hand
but take yours
when you need.

Have my hand
I don't need it
back.

To slip
isn't to fall.

Ski in the snow.

hi Ike

The giving of ones time to someone else? The breaking away from restrictions? The ambition to risk, to be 'imperfect, to succeed? The poem prompted questions,

cheers

Phil

Loved the title but the poem disappointed. The first line perplexed me, chronometer-wise, and then the middle sounded like a basic narcissist/empath thing going on and the ending plain jarred. Sorry if this seems unfair because I don't get it.

I agree with Mark---I expected some hinkey-jinky cog and gear slippage that dealt with time perceived or something. You may be able to work out a poem that fulfills such expectations while retaining the gist of the poem as written. I hope you try something like that

Oh one other thing it took me a few reads to get the last couple of lines---I think it would be helpful to the reader if there was a bit more of a hint---"lemons to lemonade: ski in the snow.

The title's brilliant - imagine a Tom poem to follow. It made me expect some kind of a nutter but subtle - it does work for Ike's piece too.

I like this Ike. I took it as less about time than about finding the right distance in a relationship.

I would suggest you consider the effect of swapping the position of these stanzas:

Hold my hand
but take yours
when you need.

Have my hand
I don't need it
back.


Love the ending.

Cheers.

T

Ike wrote: ↑

Sun Dec 02, 2018 6:45 pm

The minutes on the hour hand
slip.

Hold my hand
but take yours
when you need.

Have my hand
I don't need it
back.

To slip
isn't to fall.

Ski in the snow.

I like this. The length of the opening line and its juxtaposition in structure from the remaining lines suggests the slippage. Two small suggestions: Drop "back" from S3. And I'd want to read the last line as "Ski the snow slowly", but I'm a flagrant abuser of alliteration, specifically sibilance.  

Uncomfortable. That's how this poem makes me feel. Which means it works. I evokes emotion.

I can't honestly say I like it, but that's not the point. You grabbed my attention - and held it.

Thanks for the reply, Phil. Hope it wasnt too many questions that it prompted without any resolution, I've been trying to stray away from doing that