The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Rams watch from below
Then disc
And vase
For these dexterous fellows -
Curls of stone
Hold a flowers bell
Where birds wash their wings

The image is cool but takes some work to realize. It's not until the final line that poem falls into place. Suggest opening the poem on the last three lines starting with "Curls of stone". You can bring the observant rams in after.

Just a thought,

Marc

I can't decide if I agree with Marc or with the way it is presently written. On the one hand I like a little surprise twist at the end of some things but on the other it is confusing and might irritate some readers. I like to work at a poem if there is a payoff once I get it figured out. The payoff here is the visual I finally get of an ornate stone birdbath. To me it is worth the effort of puzzling it out. 

Strict, descriptive poetry is fun. Mindless, no purpose fun. You do it well. Not sure why you would want to keep a reader in suspense in a 7 line poem, but so be it. At the end, I might say, "Oh, it's a bird bath"...

and so I did.

lshmael wrote: ↑

Tue Dec 25, 2018 4:26 am

Rams watch from below
Then disc
And vase
For these dexterous fellows -
Curls of stone
Hold a flowers bell
Where birds wash their wings

I like the perspective - below/above, grounded/flight. I presume for the Rams the water is out of reach. The fact you've used Rams triggers a gender angle on this.
 

Well the suspense is very much intentional, and actually, what I like most about the poem. Thanks for the replies, its always helpful to know how a piece is received.

I can see how it would be frustrating to read if you did not read it the whole way through, and were trying to puzzle it out before reading the last line.

Hi Ishmael,

I like the precision of the writing. The 'surprise' ending is only a surprise for the first reading. Thereafter the reader knows what's coming, and the author knows the reader knows. If it works on that basis, if it can still hold some suspense then it works. For me, I enjoy the unfolding of the narrative in spite of the fact of knowing what is coming.

The lines contain some fresh writing, which is always welcome.

T