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Broken Wheels. By Brian Humeniuk alias Granda

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
Granda
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 5:48 pm

Re: Broken Wheels. By Brian Humeniuk alias Granda

Post by Granda » Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:19 pm

Heyyy. Less of the Gramps sonny. I may be old but I can still kick your arse with my cane.  :D

Thanks CP. 

Dave
Posts: 2051
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Broken Wheels. By Brian Humeniuk alias Granda

Post by Dave » Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:55 am

Hey Brian. This is touching but needs editing IMO.
Why not say grandson in L1 instead of the boy? There is no need for leisurely in L2 as a stroll is per its nature leisurely.
And then there is the problem of the posts which seem to gleam and grin. Posts grin?
In S4 i would lose line 2. Too many hands.

Granda
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 5:48 pm

Re: Broken Wheels. By Brian Humeniuk alias Granda

Post by Granda » Thu Jan 10, 2019 7:09 am

Hey Dave. Good points. I agree about the 'leisurely', but not the hands. The hands are a juxtaposition of my hands and his. Same with the boy. I am he but also me from years ago. I probably just need to write it 'betterly'. :D

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