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On the Danger List

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Tim J Brennan

On the Danger List

Post by Tim J Brennan » Tue Jan 08, 2019 5:21 pm

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Last edited by Tim J Brennan on Tue Jan 15, 2019 4:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Granda
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 5:48 pm

Re: On the Danger List

Post by Granda » Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:38 pm

Very provocative.

Tim J Brennan

Re: On the Danger List

Post by Tim J Brennan » Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:38 am

Granda wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:38 pm
Very provocative.

...good.  Thank you. 

Granda
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2019 5:48 pm

Re: On the Danger List

Post by Granda » Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:28 pm

I'm getting up there in age now. So S4 ses it all for me. Well done. 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: On the Danger List

Post by Dave » Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:45 am

Well Tim this different. I like the fact it is not a linear narrative. In stanza 3 judging by position of 'they're' it is the animals who are worried. If it is the people in S2 who are worried, it has to be written differently.
I like the phrase ' scar tissue romance' but is made a bit redundant by the tears and bad romance, sort of gilds the lily.
'I think I used to' - does that I think add enough to justify itself given the 3 uses of I in such a short space

Tim J Brennan

Re: On the Danger List

Post by Tim J Brennan » Fri Jan 11, 2019 7:22 am

Dave wrote:
Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:45 am
Well Tim this different. I like the fact it is not a linear narrative. In stanza 3 judging by position of 'they're' it is the animals who are worried. If it is the people in S2 who are worried, it has to be written differently.
I like the phrase ' scar tissue romance' but is made a bit redundant by the tears and bad romance, sort of gilds the lily.
'I think I used to' - does that I think add enough to justify itself given the 3 uses of I in such a short space

"animals" deliberately vague, Dave.  Folks in scar tissue romances remind me of animals, I guess. Thanks.

Thinking about your other comments. 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: On the Danger List

Post by Dave » Fri Jan 11, 2019 8:48 am

I guess by vague you mean animals is a catch all phrase that includes humans. It still does not work for me but if it does for you then so be it. I see i garbled my last comment. More a question of the plethora of I and verbs.

Tim J Brennan

Re: On the Danger List

Post by Tim J Brennan » Fri Jan 11, 2019 5:16 pm

Dave wrote:
Fri Jan 11, 2019 8:48 am
I guess by vague you mean animals is a catch all phrase that includes humans. It still does not work for me but if it does for you then so be it. I see i garbled my last comment. More a question of the plethora of I and verbs.
Thanks for clarifying your thoughts, Dave. As I said, still thinking about them. As for the  "...animals" image...you are correct, so be it.  I think the "plethora" idea has merit.  

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