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a flock of breaths 1&2

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Dave
Posts: 571
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

a flock of breaths 1&2

Post by Dave » Fri Jan 11, 2019 12:50 pm

Other version

A flock of breaths
emerges from the branches.
You have unwrapped
yourself from around my torso.
A flurry of images flees from view,
dreams are as fleeting
as the time it takes
to fly from one shore
of consciousness to another.

Now I face you,
or the shadow
shaped as you.
We root ourselves
before morning comes,
before we return to prose.

I envelope you
to return to a ledge
from which to fall
into flight.
Last edited by Dave on Sun Jan 13, 2019 10:57 am, edited 2 times in total.

Granda
Posts: 28
Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:48 am

Re: a flock of breaths

Post by Granda » Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:15 am

Hiya Dave. There's some good imagery here. BUT it's overshadowed by the PP. It's not doing this any favours. I'd drop it if it was mine.
Also, those commas and breaks throw one out of the work. They jar.

I'd love to see this re-written and edited to suit.

E.G.

A flock of breaths emerge from the branches
nestled in my lungs, just, and only.
Because you have moved the night
wrapped around my torso. A flurry
of images pirouette and flees from view.
look! they seem to say, stories are as fleeting
as a glance in the mirror, or the time it takes
to row from one shore of consciousness to another.

Now I face you, or the shadow that is you
in this bed where we seek to root ourselves.
Before morning comes.
Before we return
to prose.
Now I envelop you,
and you press your seed against my warm earth.
Bring those dreams back to roost.

We perch on a ledge from which,
at any moment,
we might fall
were we not clothed
in each other's wings.



Just a bit of tinkering. I hope it doesn't offend. 

Dave
Posts: 571
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: a flock of breaths

Post by Dave » Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:48 am

Thanks Brian and no I am not offended. You have done a good job with this. However, being a bit thick i don't know what PP is.

Granda
Posts: 28
Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:48 am

Re: a flock of breaths

Post by Granda » Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:02 am

PP =purple Prose. Flowery words. Cliche'd words. Words that sound good but aren't.

Granda
Posts: 28
Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:48 am

Re: a flock of breaths 1&2

Post by Granda » Sun Jan 13, 2019 12:20 pm

Imo, much improved.

Dave
Posts: 571
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: a flock of breaths 1&2

Post by Dave » Mon Jan 14, 2019 3:30 pm

Thanks Brien

Dave
Posts: 571
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: a flock of breaths 1&2

Post by Dave » Mon Jan 14, 2019 6:08 pm

Sorry about the spelling. Wrote in a hurry

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Marc Gilbert
Posts: 154
Joined: Sat Jan 06, 2018 2:02 pm
Location: Chicago, USA
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Re: a flock of breaths 1&2

Post by Marc Gilbert » Mon Jan 14, 2019 7:48 pm

I love this one, Dave. There is so much packed in here and at no point does it feel contrived or appear to be trying to hard. The "root ourselves" line, short and simple as it may be, speaks so much.

Minor nits, suggest:

A flurry of images flees from view,
dreams are as fleeting...

That's it, and I'm not even sure about those. Did I mention that I love this one?

marc
"Poetry is not speech raised to the level of music, but music brought down to the level of speech." - Paul Valery

Dave
Posts: 571
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: a flock of breaths 1&2

Post by Dave » Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:07 pm

Thanks Mark. I did revise the original and that the original commented on by granda has gone. Thanks for the positive response and good corrections

Dave
Posts: 571
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: a flock of breaths 1&2

Post by Dave » Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:09 pm

Oh the original is in red with better formatting thanks to Brian and now i see flurry of images flees is because flurry is singular. Have to think about that one

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