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turtles

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Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

turtles

Post by Dave » Mon Jan 28, 2019 8:07 am

If only
my mind bent
around corners

words could be cranes
balanced on roofs,

collapsed piles of leaves
would be corpses,

eggs hop down a hill
like laughter,

turtles would emerge from wet sand
crawl to the sea,
beneath hawks' sly smiles,

dive into the waves,
then tap dance to the tune
of In the Mood.
 
Last edited by Dave on Tue Jan 29, 2019 5:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: turtles

Post by indar » Mon Jan 28, 2019 8:30 am

Turtles tap-dance once they get into their own element? That's wonderful news because, yes, their progress on land is indeed painful, laborious, exhausting. I feel so sorry for them.

I love love love the whole poem except S-1. I think S-2 is a better start with 1 word change.


if only
my mind bent
around corners

(words) could be cranes

balanced on roofs,

I

 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: turtles

Post by Dave » Mon Jan 28, 2019 10:21 am

I can live very well with that. Thanks

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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3179
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: turtles

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Jan 28, 2019 11:13 am

In the Mood -- click here: Glen Miller - In The Mood

Turtles tapdance to this tune, underwater. What a wonderful world you create.

"eggs hop down a hill / like laughter. . . . " :D :D :D

Lots of life in this poem.

My only suggestion would be to consider deleting "painful". A turtle's slow waddle may look or seem painful as we imagine it. I doubt that is the turtle's experience, and the poem is not advanced by use of the adjective. Just my view.

Real fine writing, Dave.

T

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: turtles

Post by Dave » Mon Jan 28, 2019 1:10 pm

Thanks Tracy. Consider painful gone. Good argument

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: turtles

Post by Colm Roe » Mon Jan 28, 2019 5:45 pm

Fantastic poem Dave.
'eggs hop down a hill' is such a wonderful and original visual.
 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: turtles

Post by Dave » Tue Jan 29, 2019 5:49 am

Thanks Colm
Dave
 

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