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their way to love

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

their way to love

Post by Dave » Wed Feb 27, 2019 5:00 am

Between the two there is a sliver of breath so thin
light shines on the other side when darkness
presses hard against their translucent skins,
trying to make them opaque as the history of love
they once observed in a painting one cold
November day after their first fight. They
promised then as now, or whenever the mood
threatens to suck all the heat from their voices
to lie down together hand in hand and whisper;
it’s warmer that way and the jagged shards
they saw in that Casper David Friedrich picture
could never happen to them. To be guileless.
To be silent amidst turmoil. To be Von Gogh’s
sunflower. To be a tree bending  in high wind.
To be lost, deliberately, when all else is known.
They will die together if ever there is such a thing.

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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3179
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: their way to love

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Wed Feb 27, 2019 5:59 pm

This narrative is rich and layered and I need more time before I try to put my feelings and thoughts to words -- but to say on first (five) readings that the poem is special. I will be back. :)

I am so glad you are posting to this site.

Cheers.

T

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: their way to love

Post by indar » Fri Mar 01, 2019 1:12 pm

I am reminded of the Phillip Glass piece in which there are spoken parts to effect of "john how much do you love me?" John gives an answer to the effect of " more than there are stars in the sky until the end of the universe" or some such thing. Then she says "yes, but do you really love me?" and so it goes. The unrealistic beliefs about love in that piece are echoed, I think, in this poem. "death before confrontation" I may be misinterpreting your poem completely. If so mark it up to my romantic skepticism :cry:

Oh looky here--I found the "lyrics"

https://www.elyrics.net/read/p/philip-g ... yrics.html

I love Phillip Glass

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: their way to love

Post by Dave » Fri Mar 01, 2019 1:44 pm

Is it posible to misinterprete?

indar
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Re: their way to love

Post by indar » Fri Mar 01, 2019 1:48 pm

Yes. I need to know what you REALLY meant. Did I get it right? how right did I get it? as right as there are stars in the sky, waters in the oceans?

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: their way to love

Post by Dave » Fri Mar 01, 2019 3:35 pm

I don't know. for me it is a love Poem. Clearly it is romanticised and place against and within paintings and therefore 'art' so love is an art on one Level and on the other hand art is the collective memory of love. moreover, art prevents great love from dying as evidenced by Shakespeare's sonnets, for example. By and large however it expresses simple sentiments, namely make sure your voice retains ist warmth abnd tenderness and never go to bed Angry.

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lshmael
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Joined: Sat May 05, 2018 7:27 pm

Re: their way to love

Post by lshmael » Sat Mar 02, 2019 3:39 am

I liked this piece, however the start was a bit difficult for me. I suppose the first 3 or 4 lines. It definitely picked up though.

I dont know what painting by Casper David you are referring to, even after going on google.
 
And I think its Van not Von.



 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: their way to love

Post by Dave » Sat Mar 02, 2019 5:28 am

Thanks for all comments. Funnily enough Ismael, the piece might indeed be better without the first four lines. Thanks too for van

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: their way to love

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:25 am

I am struck by how the lovers in this poem are moved by Casper David Friedrich. his painting(s), as well are other art. The poem has an ekphrastic feel to it.

The first six lines are a single sentence but read like a rolling train, with so much forward momentum. So powerful. Thereafter the pace of the poem is so well controlled with being smothered.

My favorite line - "To be lost, deliberately, when all else is known." Marvelous. :) The line darned near serves as a thesis statement. But there are several other strong candidates as well.

I find this to be a complete poem.

Cheers.

T

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Colm Roe
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Re: their way to love

Post by Colm Roe » Tue Mar 05, 2019 7:39 pm

Between the two there is a sliver of breath so thin
light shines on the other side when darkness
presses hard against their translucent skins,                   These three lines are nice.

trying to make them opaque as the history of love
they once observed in a painting one cold
November day after their first fight.                              Whereas these lines clunk an uneasy/cliched path

They
promised then as now, or whenever the mood
threatens to suck all the heat from their voices             I think 'warmth' works better here.

to lie down together hand in hand and whisper;
it’s warmer that way and the jagged shards
they saw in that Casper David Friedrich picture
could never happen to them.                                     Ok, he had a particular way of painting. But it's a stretch, IMO, for                                                                                    a couple to look and say 'That'll never happen to us!' They remind                                                                                      me of the benefits of electric blankets.                                                                     

To be guileless.
To be silent amidst turmoil. To be Von Gogh’s
sunflower. To be a tree bending  in high wind.
To be lost, deliberately, when all else is known.
They will die together if ever there is such a thing.        There's some salvation in this S. 

But overall, this feels overly dramatic...forced. The 'going to bed on good terms' is cliched. Dragging in a few pieces of art doesn't make it more. 
Such a shame, because it started out so well.
Sorry to be so negative Dave.
 

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