The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Great first post George, welcome,

I read this as a poem about loneliness. The last line conjures up a kind of bridal virginity as against forced celibacy. I am picturing an Eleanor Rigby figure here.

I caught a little on "through the window" Somehow "through"  seems like a movement rather than "as seen". Would "outside the window" clarify a bit?

I look forward to more of your writing.

indar wrote: ↑

Thu Mar 07, 2019 12:28 pm

Great first post George, welcome,

I read this as a poem about loneliness. The last line conjures up a kind of bridal virginity as against forced celibacy. I am picturing an Eleanor Rigby figure here.

I caught a little on "through the window" Somehow "through"  seems like a movement rather than "as seen". Would "outside the window" clarify a bit?

I look forward to more of your writing.

Thank you, Indar.  Snow would most likely be outside the window so I'm not sure this change is necessarily necessary. Although there's nothing wrong with being literal, I guess.  

Also, thank you for your interpretation.

By George  

Hi b,
Lots to like here, but there are a some redundancies...unnecessary words, e.g.
During night-hours,
the sleeping woman
whispers to herself..........these three lines can be condensed to 'She whispers in her sleep'
without losing any of your intent. If it was mine I'd do it something like this.
                                                                  
She whispers in her sleep,
a conversation with darkness. 
Confused words, attempt messages
in smudged kisses, 
a foreign language
on a tissue of air. 

Through the bedroom
window, a layer of new
snow veils the field.

Anywho, I enjoyed the read.

I really like the first stanza, except for "on a tissue of air".

The second stanza is good as well. But I think something more dramatic or specific could really make the poem better. It falls a bit flat.

Colm Roe wrote: ↑

Fri Mar 08, 2019 7:46 pm

Hi b,
Lots to like here, but there are a some redundancies...unnecessary words, e.g.
During night-hours,
the sleeping woman
whispers to herself..........these three lines can be condensed to 'She whispers in her sleep'
without losing any of your intent. If it was mine I'd do it something like this.
                                                                  
She whispers in her sleep,
a conversation with darkness. 
Confused words, attempt messages
in smudged kisses, 
a foreign language
on a tissue of air. 

Through the bedroom
window, a layer of new
snow veils the field.

Anywho, I enjoyed the read.

Hi, Colm. Thanks for the condensation. Some of it makes sense. 

by George
 

lshmael wrote: ↑

Sat Mar 09, 2019 3:19 am

I really like the first stanza, except for "on a tissue of air".

The second stanza is good as well. But I think something more dramatic or specific could really make the poem better. It falls a bit flat.

Hi, Ishmael. Thanks for being so...specific...with your critique. Much to think about here.

by George

Hi George. I like the poem. It's mysterious. And the last 3 lines make me think of haiku because, though it seems unrelated, it provides an intriguing or thought provoking juxtaposition.

 Snow would most likely be outside the window so I'm not sure this change is necessarily necessary. Although there's nothing wrong with being literal, I guess.  


"Through" the window suggested the phrase "through the looking glass". Guess this might be a kind of Alice poem but I didn't think that was your intention and I am probably the only person on earth that read it that way

indar wrote: ↑

Sat Mar 09, 2019 9:36 am

Snow would most likely be outside the window so I'm not sure this change is necessarily necessary. Although there's nothing wrong with being literal, I guess.  


"Through" the window suggested the phrase "through the looking glass". Guess this might be a kind of Alice poem but I didn't think that was your intention and I am probably the only person on earth that read it that way

Thanks, indar. I did not have such intentions but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate your reading as such. I merely assumed the snow would be outside; therefore, no reason to say so.

by George.  
 

HLemma wrote: ↑

Sat Mar 09, 2019 9:18 am

Hi George. I like the poem. It's mysterious. And the last 3 lines make me think of haiku because, though it seems unrelated, it provides an intriguing or thought provoking juxtaposition.

Thank you, HLemma.

I adore haiku, especially the unrelated, intriguing or thought provoking juxtaposition kind. 

by George