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and walk.

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Ike
Posts: 87
Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:52 pm

and walk.

Post by Ike » Wed Mar 06, 2019 1:24 am

It takes time to know time,
before wishing you didn't.
Hadn't.

Who can you tell
when your mistress shows infidelity?
Which hand do you hold?

Do you maybe hold your own?

It's too clammy- you let go,
decide to walk alone.

"Wait up!" pierces from behind,
but there's no trust left to lend.
Or perhaps "Wait up!" is soothing.

You let it slip,
your clammy hand,
 
Last edited by Ike on Wed Mar 06, 2019 10:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: And Walk

Post by Dave » Wed Mar 06, 2019 8:54 am

The first line is intriguing but the following two lines I found hard to relate to either contentwise or grammatically although the change of tense reflects the struggle with time. The second stanza indicates the origin of the question and adds a level of ambiguity since it does not specify the mistress - is time itself the mistress here?

The rest feels somewhat disjointed and the repeat of clammy hand did not work for me, as if clammy was too hard to understand the time around.

The poem indicates a struggle for me somehow caused by loss of trust born from the end of a relationship but somehow I need more to really relate as it stays on a rather academic surface.

Will re-read though as this is a quick response.
dave
 

Ike
Posts: 87
Joined: Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:52 pm

Re: And Walk

Post by Ike » Wed Mar 06, 2019 10:16 am

Hey dave, thanks for the reply.
I agree about the repetition of clammy hands.
Well, as i'm typing this i'm now back to liking it and so i'm conflicted. i'll have to think about it more, thanks for prompting that.
As for the ambiguity and disjunction, I'm surprised you haven't learned to expect that from me by this point :)
I don't know what it means, you don't know what it means, and no one else does either. But that doesn't mean there isn't a story. And maybe the story is different for every reader. And that's ok. 
Thanks again for the read and response! i'm looking forward to what you dig up on the reread

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: and walk.

Post by indar » Thu Mar 07, 2019 11:02 am

I really like the dilemma presented in this one. Fabulous analogy for any number of relatable human situations. Clammy hands illustrates the disfunctioning, body perfectly--no clue as to why the body disfunctions: the ambiguity is wonderful----is the N experiencing remorse or a misplaced sense of the wronged (martyred) lover (never mind the hypocrisy)

But those clammy hands---repressed guilt?

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: and walk.

Post by Colm Roe » Fri Mar 08, 2019 7:13 pm

Ike wrote:
Wed Mar 06, 2019 1:24 am
It takes time to know time,
before wishing you didn't.
Hadn't.

Who can you tell
when your mistress shows infidelity?
Which hand do you hold?

Do you maybe hold your own?

It's too clammy- you let go,
decide to walk alone.

"Wait up!" pierces from behind,
but there's no trust left to lend.
Or perhaps "Wait up!" is soothing.

You let it slip,
your clammy hand,
 
S1, you have to get older to realise that time is running out  :)
S2, 'mistress' is Time? 'Which hand do you hold?' I took to mean the minute or hour hand of a clock...'hold' fast or slow  :)
What follows isn't as succinct...but it still works.
Excellent poem Ike. 

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: and walk.

Post by Matty11 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 12:46 am

I enjoyed this too Ike. The familiar Time theme can often be abstract, but the clammy hand' has freshened the write.
Ike wrote:
Wed Mar 06, 2019 1:24 am
It takes time to know time,
before wishing you didn't.
Hadn't.

Who can you tell
when your mistress shows infidelity?
Which hand do you hold?

Do you maybe hold your own?

It's too clammy- you let go,
decide to walk alone.

"Wait up!" pierces from behind,
but there's no trust left to lend...........would hold be an option?
Or perhaps "Wait up!" is soothing.

You let it slip,
your clammy hand,
 
best

Phil
 

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lshmael
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat May 05, 2018 7:27 pm

Re: and walk.

Post by lshmael » Sat Mar 09, 2019 3:11 am

Hey man what do you have against my clammy hands, I cant help it.

In all seriousness though I think the first half of the poem is ok in that it uses (I think) second person narration without being overbearing.

It takes time to know time,
before wishing you didn't.
Hadn't.

Who can you tell
when your mistress shows infidelity?
Which hand do you hold?

But I get kind of lost with the second person narration from then on. I dont feel like it is happening to me so the emotion behind the writing isn't really reaching me. I think a first person narration would help me develop an emotional connection better.
 

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HLemma
Posts: 63
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 9:27 am
Location: USA
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Re: and walk.

Post by HLemma » Sat Mar 09, 2019 9:22 am

I like the meta-ness of the first line. It made me want to read on.

I may need to spend a little more time with the rest. It's interesting, but I don't get it. Yet.

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