Hi Indar,
I like this poem, it has such a good feel to it. It reminds me in critical and important ways of
A Blessing by James Arlington Wright ( see
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46481/a-blessing).
I have lots of comments which I will set out, but which should be considered with serious caution. I think if you revise the text by following my thoughts the risk is that the soul comes out of the poem. The delightful thing about revising, however, is that prior drafts are always still available. With that in mind, I plunge on.
Driving south on College Boulevard,
Mystic Hill, which is an ancient volcano,
The hill is east of the street whether it be traversed by car, foot or bike. I think “Driving” is a weak word with which to start the poem. It is enough that the Speaker is in a position to observe the Hill, the creek, and the street, a fitting place for the nostalgic experience to be described.
The phrase “
which is an ancient volcano” is pure explanation and while lending texture, may be better left out, unless the volcano is noted as active in the S.5 description of ‘back then’.
A rough cut:
Mystic Hill stands alone to the east.
College Boulevard curves along the creek
feeding down from Calaveras Reservoir.
This alternative makes the opening less choppy, but may take out the voice you want. I couldn’t comment on that.
Consider removing “I think” from S.2. It communicates a hesitancy, or lack of clarity. This couples with the phrase “as I must have been” in S.3, which might also be profitably deleted. These phrases put the poem in the Speaker’s thought process rather than pure experience. The thing is that the Speak is so unexpectedly happy - multiplied as a
deja vu from a prior life. It should not be presented as something the Speaker reasons out (as I must have been), but simply as the pure experience unexplained. Make it firm, clear, direct (
I know this place from an earlier life / inexplicably happy as I was then).
The other thing as a reader about which I am curious is exactly what triggers the onset of the Speaker’s happiness. The condors in the canyons, obviously, but how, why? And what else? Here coupling sensory input to feelings would be helpful. Can the condor(s) or something additional play the role in this poem as the Indian ponies in Wright’s poem?
These are the thoughts this poem has engendered for me. A very nice way to spend a Sunday morning. Thanks for posting this poem, no need to make any changes as it is a treat as written.
Cheers.
T