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Pontypool Park: A Formative Year

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Pontypool Park: A Formative Year

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Mar 23, 2019 8:34 pm

Jane carving on the bench dedicated
in loving memory of a husband.
Not hers. But she liked his cheeky grin. His hands.

I don't see the confusion with the original use of 'Jay'...'Not hers' tells us her gender!

I keep snagging on the first two lines. 
Jane carving on THE bench dedicated etc. means she's carving something on a bench already dedicated to the man.

Regardless of whether she is the 2nd or only carver these two lines appear to be grammatically off. I don't think you can say 'dedicated in loving memory of a husband' 
Dedicated TO a loving husband (or something similar) would be the correct use.
A suggested edit:

Jane's carving on the bench dedicates it to
the memory of a husband,
not hers. But she liked his cheeky grin. His hands.

Anywho, I'm still loving this excellent poem.

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Pontypool Park: A Formative Year

Post by Matty11 » Sun Mar 24, 2019 6:38 am

Thanks for returning and the thumbs up Tracy and Indar. Colm I have tweaked a little in light of your comment.

cheers

Phil

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Pontypool Park: A Formative Year

Post by Colm Roe » Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:18 am

Much better IMO.
But three full stops in L3?

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