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Succulence

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
binx
Posts: 62
Joined: Sun Mar 03, 2019 6:06 pm

Succulence

Post by binx » Mon Mar 25, 2019 1:06 pm

All your words
winding their ways
through soft tissue— 

sometimes,
our tongues tie.
 
lullaby akin to pasta
symphony akin to pinot
ceiling fan akin to foreplay 

thoughts are made in the back
of the mouth, passion is made
through teeth— 

your mouth searches
the back throat of my heart.


by George

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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3179
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Re: Succulence

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Mar 25, 2019 3:00 pm

The text has a sensuous texture, the sounds exhibit the title.

S.3 doesn't come together, but maybe it doesn't need to.

From a poem with the same name, by Bret Norwood:

. . . .
Don’t search or scry or scratch,
but savor instead the steady stream
of sights and sounds,
if succulence is found, or not.
. . . .



Thanks for posting, George.

Cheers.

T

binx
Posts: 62
Joined: Sun Mar 03, 2019 6:06 pm

Re: Succulence

Post by binx » Mon Mar 25, 2019 8:22 pm

Tracy Mitchell wrote:
Mon Mar 25, 2019 3:00 pm
The text has a sensuous texture, the sounds exhibit the title.

S.3 doesn't come together, but maybe it doesn't need to.

From a poem with the same name, by Bret Norwood:

. . . .
Don’t search or scry or scratch,
but savor instead the steady stream
of sights and sounds,
if succulence is found, or not.
. . . .



Thanks for posting, George.

Cheers.

T

Thank you for the not familiar Norwood poem. Much appreciated. Since you don't indicate why or how to improve S3 or the need for this to come together, I have to assume it is a personal thing.

There are many things about lots of poems that I have no connection to, yet I assume, if the poem is out there, maybe published, maybe not ( maybe at least a chance) that someone has understood what I feel is valid, even if one reader does not. S3 is made up of only a few of "all your words" and they have affected me deeply. There are others, of course, but I chose these three. Maybe another stanza? Maybe an explanation? My feeling at this moment is that it should stay. At least for now.

Thank you for ALL your thoughts, Tracy.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Succulence

Post by Dave » Tue Mar 26, 2019 6:19 am

A poem that can be approched on different levels: a whole piece, in six distinct elements of title and 5 stanzas or as 3 petsonal emotional stanzas punctuated by somewhat dryer technical if contestable explanations. For me the second and fourth stanzas rather interruptvthan illuminate the others but hold some interest in their own right.bi did ask myself if the words in S 3 are examples of succulence and or words that wind or words that tongue tie. I could not really place them. They do illustrate s4. Interesting poem about which i am somewhat ambivalent however

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Succulence

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Tue Mar 26, 2019 12:07 pm

S3 is made up of only a few of "all your words" and they have affected me deeply. There are others, of course, but I chose these three.

I am not advocating S.3's removal, nor do I have revision recommendations.

But I must say, I am more confused than ever. I don’t recognize or identify which three words are referenced: lullaby/symphony/ceiling fan or pasta/pinot/foreplay. I had instead focused on the relationships presented – lullaby/pasta, symphony/pinot and ceiling fan/foreplay. ‘Akin’ means similar, parallel, analogous, etc. I did not find a common theme of how each of the paired words relate to its match. Nor did I see a progression one to the next. I did not find a significance to either of the sets by themselves. I accept that the words have affected the author/narrator deeply, but don’t see this significance being shared with the reader. For me, that is how the stanza did not come together. And yes, it could be a personal thing, as my personal expectations were not met. But as I said, maybe the stanza does not need to come together as I hoped it would, if that is the author intention. As you say, its your call, not mine. I am just trying to give you my honest reading of the poem and my reaction. The emotions of the poem are strong, the sounds and readability are really good. Logic does need to appear on the surface for a poem to work. For me, that is the case here. Just my opinion.

Cheers.

T

binx
Posts: 62
Joined: Sun Mar 03, 2019 6:06 pm

Re: Succulence

Post by binx » Tue Mar 26, 2019 3:33 pm

Tracy Mitchell wrote:
Tue Mar 26, 2019 12:07 pm
S3 is made up of only a few of "all your words" and they have affected me deeply. There are others, of course, but I chose these three.

I am not advocating S.3's removal, nor do I have revision recommendations.

But I must say, I am more confused than ever. I don’t recognize or identify which three words are referenced: lullaby/symphony/ceiling fan or pasta/pinot/foreplay. I had instead focused on the relationships presented – lullaby/pasta, symphony/pinot and ceiling fan/foreplay. ‘Akin’ means similar, parallel, analogous, etc. I did not find a common theme of how each of the paired words relate to its match. Nor did I see a progression one to the next. I did not find a significance to either of the sets by themselves. I accept that the words have affected the author/narrator deeply, but don’t see this significance being shared with the reader. For me, that is how the stanza did not come together. And yes, it could be a personal thing, as my personal expectations were not met. But as I said, maybe the stanza does not need to come together as I hoped it would, if that is the author intention. As you say, its your call, not mine. I am just trying to give you my honest reading of the poem and my reaction. The emotions of the poem are strong, the sounds and readability are really good. Logic does need to appear on the surface for a poem to work. For me, that is the case here. Just my opinion.

Cheers.

T

Thanks for all your thoughts, Tracy Mitchell. Appreciate your honesty and I accept it.
In all honesty back, I would not expect you to know these words (left column) as I do. But you should trust the writer a bit more. All the words are perfectly logical in my world. Maybe focus on the right hand column (pasta, pinot, and foreplay). These words are easily recognized, no matter what the situation.

You should have been there. It was glorious. But since you were not, I repeat them for your benefit in the poem. Writers do this all the time in poems. Sometimes, I don't even want to know what some words mean to certain writers. I do not need them to enjoy the overall poem.

I look forward to more of your opinions. You are a passionate person.

George

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Succulence

Post by Dave » Tue Mar 26, 2019 4:22 pm

It was a sexy evening then. Your answer to tracy may be true of the writer but hardly to the reader. Why trust a writer and to do what exactly? As a reader it is the reader's experience that counts not the writer's surely.

binx
Posts: 62
Joined: Sun Mar 03, 2019 6:06 pm

Re: Succulence

Post by binx » Tue Mar 26, 2019 9:01 pm

Thank you for your two posts, Dave. I try my best w/the reader. I would be foolish to assume I have them all. It's Robert Frost's B-day today. He thought he was a failure for the first half of his life as a writer.

This poem isn't finished. They never are.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Succulence

Post by Dave » Wed Mar 27, 2019 12:07 am

Fair enough Binx

binx
Posts: 62
Joined: Sun Mar 03, 2019 6:06 pm

Re: Succulence

Post by binx » Wed Mar 27, 2019 7:53 am

Dave wrote:
Wed Mar 27, 2019 12:07 am
Fair enough Binx

Call me George.

And aside from a lecture about readers vs writers ;) , do you have any suggestions toward the poem itself?

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