Onset

[binx]

In the small town diner
an old man asks the waitress
if she remembers seeing him
in one of the booths —

the young waitress shakes her head
~ Sorry, sir, but I’m only eighteen ~
rolls her eyes a bit, changes pens.

The old man says ~Okay, I had no reason
to be out that day anyway ~ turns his head,
changes his disguise into a young man,
says ~ You look beautiful Lily, waiting
tables, smiling every time I’ve come
in for the dinner special ~

and the waitress thinks she could get fired
for gabbing ~ Would you like to order now? ~

The old man looks her over, says ~ Yes, a woman
needs time to dress properly, but I could come back
at seven to pick you up ~

And she says ~ For Christ’s sake, it’s pork and gravy
and mashed potatoes today…only $6.99 ~


by George

[indar]

Scary---I'm no spring chicken and dementia is one of my greatest fears. On the whole a good treatment of an all too human subject. I question whether the waitress would reply she is only eighteen as she probably doesn't realize he is reliving some distant past memory. She might be more inclined to say she hasn't worked there long. You posted this fine poem at the wrong time---folks are resting up for NaPo and once that starts forget any other activity here.

[binx]

Scary---I'm no spring chicken and dementia is one of my greatest fears. On the whole a good treatment of an all too human subject. I question whether the waitress would reply she is only eighteen as she probably doesn't realize he is reliving some distant past memory. She might be more inclined to say she hasn't worked there long. You posted this fine poem at the wrong time---folks are resting up for NaPo and once that starts forget any other activity here.

Or she may think the old fart is hitting on her, hence her reply. And there is never a wrong time to post a poem, at least as far as I know.

Thanks for your thoughts here. Maybe someone else will venture forth a thought or two in May. Poem's not going anywhere.

by George

[Dave]

Overall the dialogue works better than the description imo. In particular the line,
changes his disguise into a young man
breaks the immediacy of the scene, is very telly, and suggests everything about the man is a disguise, including his being old. A degree of willfulness not supported by the rest of the poem. Disguise might fit if he is flirting but not if he has dementia.
A less important question is whether it is possible to roll one's eyes a bit.

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hi George,
I have attempted this topic in several frustrating poems, all to lesser effect than this poem. With the exchange between the old man and waitress as the backdrop, the shifts in the man are set up well. For her, not so much. The big sticker for me was "changes his disguise into a young man" -- It seems odd that our narrator would say such a thing-- what did he see?
Still, I think an effective poem, as it presents the man's life situation so poignantly.

Cheers.

T

PS - now get over the the NaPo thread and fire up the pen.

[binx]

Hi George,
I have attempted this topic in several frustrating poems, all to lesser effect than this poem. With the exchange between the old man and waitress as the backdrop, the shifts in the man are set up well. For her, not so much. The big sticker for me was "changes his disguise into a young man" -- It seems odd that our narrator would say such a thing-- what did he see?
Still, I think an effective poem, as it presents the man's life situation so poignantly.

Cheers.

T

PS - now get over the the NaPo thread and fire up the pen.

Not sure I'm following your logic. No where does the man "say" these things. I observed my father slip in-and-out of dementia for the better part of seven years. For a moment, he was there but in the next he would change into his younger self disguise.

That you use "poignantly" in your description tells me on the right track. Needs work, no doubt.

Alas, I do not have 30 poems in 30 days in me.

by George

[Tracy Mitchell]

I get that the old man phases in and out - old to young to old. But this man is not the Narrator -- it's third person POV. The narrator observes these events. Anyway, a small point. Good poem.

T.

PS You can join the fun if you only have one or 5 poems in you.

And who knows, once you start, maybe the others just show up on their own.