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If You Die Alone, Someone will Write You a Poem and Read It at Your Funeral

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Tim J Brennan

If You Die Alone, Someone will Write You a Poem and Read It at Your Funeral

Post by Tim J Brennan » Sat May 18, 2019 3:12 pm

I never want to be lonely.
Hold my hand or your breath,

please

Lick my eyelids
like I’m something passive
and sweet.

Let’s do this together.

Let’s feel the wind, maybe
argue over direction.

And now that it’s spring, cardinals chase:
all wings, tail feathers, bellies, pin-prick
talons, scritching-and-scratching—

Red,
all red.

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: If You Die Alone, Someone will Write You a Poem and Read It at Your Funeral

Post by indar » Sun May 19, 2019 9:35 am

Tim, to my read this poem addresses a range of deeply human issues. first and foremost, we die alone. All the loving members of the bedside death watch, the myths of "beautiful death" the religious beliefs, psychological studies of "the experience" can't erase that awful truth.

Your writing starts with the image of the oh-so-intimate act "lick my eyelids", moves to the invitation to the intimate partner to accompany the N into death stating it in the familiar terms of a road trip, a hope against all odds because no matter how intimate the relationship has been, I'll say it again, we go alone.

And then there is the image of red cardinals with which to distract but the red lingers. Interestingly, in a trade mag during the 90s Hallmark issued statistics on the sales of their Christmas cards from the first year they pictured Cardinals. Cardinals outsold any other image year after year. I can't guess why you chose that image but in my mind, the cheerful image, the beauty of that bird species gives way to that icky little scritch scratch of their claws. Red is a color that can represent drastically different associations: roses, Christmas, carnival or blood, warning, disaster.  

Tim J Brennan

Re: If You Die Alone, Someone will Write You a Poem and Read It at Your Funeral

Post by Tim J Brennan » Sun May 19, 2019 1:41 pm

Hi, Indar. Thanks for all the thoughts here. All the many of them.

Was outside most of the day yesterday, prepping my garden. Cardinals were going spring crazy, chasing each other around. I got to thinking about them: mates for life (mostly), their colors, their ability to survive the tough MN winters...how they are a lot like us ;)

Putting that together w/the "human issue" (your term) of dying alone (and more so how scary that thought is, I guess) brought this poem together. It's a miss/mash and maybe needs some sort of order.

Again, thanks.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: If You Die Alone, Someone will Write You a Poem and Read It at Your Funeral

Post by Dave » Mon May 20, 2019 3:53 am

Indeed comes across as two interlinked poems both in content and style. The second half has wonderful images rhythm and sound wheras the first half seems a little 'clever# but less engaging. I really love the second half, it is moving, and sensual. The linking line 'Let's do this together', does not do that job for me as I simply have no real idea what it refers to.

As I said from 'Let's feel the wind' the poem really takes off.

Dave
 

Tim J Brennan

Re: If You Die Alone, Someone will Write You a Poem and Read It at Your Funeral

Post by Tim J Brennan » Tue May 21, 2019 7:54 am

Dave wrote:
Mon May 20, 2019 3:53 am
Indeed comes across as two interlinked poems both in content and style. The second half has wonderful images rhythm and sound wheras the first half seems a little 'clever# but less engaging. I really love the second half, it is moving, and sensual. The linking line 'Let's do this together', does not do that job for me as I simply have no real idea what it refers to.

As I said from 'Let's feel the wind' the poem really takes off.

Dave
 

Okay. Thanks, Dave. Since you have no real idea (not that you're supposed to), maybe I'll just dump the line.

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: If You Die Alone, Someone will Write You a Poem and Read It at Your Funeral

Post by indar » Tue May 21, 2019 9:08 am


Okay. Thanks, Dave. Since you have no real idea (not that you're supposed to), maybe I'll just dump the line.

What a peculiar statement. I can't speak for Dave but I think you refer to his observation that the line he thought was meant to be a transition didn't work for him in uniting two halves of the poem:
The linking line 'Let's do this together', does not do that job for me as I simply have no real idea what it refers to.

Since Dave has no suggestions you decide to dump it--really?

I read the poem as a wonderful progression and the impossible wish to be able to die in company with the loved one. Are you playing victim to one person's critique?



 

Tim J Brennan

Re: If You Die Alone, Someone will Write You a Poem and Read It at Your Funeral

Post by Tim J Brennan » Tue May 21, 2019 11:03 am

indar wrote:
Tue May 21, 2019 9:08 am

Okay. Thanks, Dave. Since you have no real idea (not that you're supposed to), maybe I'll just dump the line.

What a peculiar statement. I can't speak for Dave but I think you refer to his observation that the line he thought was meant to be a transition didn't work for him in uniting two halves of the poem:
The linking line 'Let's do this together', does not do that job for me as I simply have no real idea what it refers to.

Since Dave has no suggestions you decide to dump it--really?

I read the poem as a wonderful progression and the impossible wish to be able to die in company with the loved one. Are you playing victim to one person's critique?



 

...really? no, not really. That was sarcasm.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: If You Die Alone, Someone will Write You a Poem and Read It at Your Funeral

Post by Dave » Tue May 21, 2019 11:05 pm

Very funny Tim. Lowest form of wit according to Shakespeare. I, of course, was never suggesting it be cut or kept in for that matter. For me there are a number of ways to interpret it, no bad thing in itself. None of these interpretations would be of interest to the writer as he has his own. And hey they are only one opinion.
Keep up the good work.
Dave
 

Tim J Brennan

Re: If You Die Alone, Someone will Write You a Poem and Read It at Your Funeral

Post by Tim J Brennan » Wed May 22, 2019 9:19 pm

Dave wrote:
Tue May 21, 2019 11:05 pm
Very funny Tim. Lowest form of wit according to Shakespeare. I, of course, was never suggesting it be cut or kept in for that matter. For me there are a number of ways to interpret it, no bad thing in itself. None of these interpretations would be of interest to the writer as he has his own. And hey they are only one opinion.
Keep up the good work.
Dave
 

Thanks, Dave. I love Shakespeare. Always have.

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