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Carrie

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ajduclos
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Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Carrie

Post by ajduclos » Wed May 22, 2019 4:47 pm

 Carrie 

Eleven obituaries in this week's Sentinel
aged twenty-seven to ninety-one
from way too young to pretty much done
all mere snippets of lives
compressed to word counts and fees. 

Snippets of lives for most
hardly a snippet for
Carrie, 33, of smalltown, Maine
passed away in hospital
born 1985 in Portland, ME
daughter of John and Jane
graduated from high school
pre-deceased by grandmother
survived by a few kin
no services....
There.
Born and died.
That's it.
Done. 

Were there no walks on the beach
sunsets from the overlook
angry moments
creative thoughts
heart in pain
warm smiles
hands held
scratches healed with a kiss?
Lost to eternity.
Lost. 

Carrie's obituary
a life in four sentences. 

  

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Colm Roe
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Re: Carrie

Post by Colm Roe » Wed May 22, 2019 4:57 pm

Nice read aj...but they'll repeat next week :)

ajduclos
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Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Re: Carrie

Post by ajduclos » Wed May 22, 2019 5:04 pm

If anyone would have seen that, it's you !!!!!!  Thanks, Colm......... Other poems in the works about death, dying, looking at it, obits in general, tombstones.  See what you've done to me ?!?
Aj 

Dave
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Re: Carrie

Post by Dave » Thu May 23, 2019 7:22 am

I like the poem but can't relate much to the sentiments as they confuse the woman's life with the story told about her. Four sentences on a headstone are what they are, four sentences on a headstone. Carrie and her life were something quite different.

ajduclos
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Re: Carrie

Post by ajduclos » Thu May 23, 2019 8:32 am

Dave - yes. precisely the point of the poem... it would appear my writing didn't covey this well.  In our world of soundbites and headlines, obits and headstones purport to speak of the lives of the dead... but they simply do not, really miss any essence of those lives.
Perhaps I might have ended the poem with another line:  Not
Thanks for the input.
Aj   

indar
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Re: Carrie

Post by indar » Mon May 27, 2019 5:31 pm

Hi Aj

I've returned to this one several times. on my initial read I thought it was an Eleanor Rigby kind of poem but on second read I realized it was how a person's life gets boiled down to the standard fare of obits and tombstones. 

However I think the good news is that there is a social understanding that those few remarks are a simple convention and do not represent anything about the person. Perhaps we find the situation sad or disheartening because we (I speak for myself and assume there are more like me) suffer a certain anxiety about how well we are using this one precious life we have--at least that is the emotional grab I got from this writing. 

ajduclos
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Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Re: Carrie

Post by ajduclos » Tue Jun 11, 2019 12:28 pm

There is very little hidden in this poem.  The day I wrote it I was struck first by how many very young folk had passed on during that week... then I was struck by the unusual sparseness of Carrie's obit, nearly zero information, it stuck out at me.  That and the fact that no services were planned...  compared with the at least tiny details of other obits, snippets, she just winked out like she never existed.  So wrenchingly sad.......... even by obit standards............

Bad enough about the usual obit snippets, but this contained nothing.  

Definitely that young woman had a life, had loves and hurts, and joys and pain.  But to obit readers there is not even a glimmer of what that might have been.  It felt as if "well, we've got to put something in the newspaper, but by all means watch the word count."

At least there was a photo...........

My heart broke....

Aj    

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Carrie

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Thu Jun 20, 2019 4:28 pm

    Sorry, I am not a fan of this, though for those who are, I take no issue.  Sunsets, walks on the beach, warm smiles, holding hands and kissing owies -- there is little new ground plowed here.  And each of these phrases bring into your poem so much pre-existing baggage.  At some point the narration becomes waterlogged without the reader hearing the real heart of the matter.

I think the center justification of the lines is counter-productive, as are a goodly share of the short lines.    While it makes the presentation look more poety, there is little in this to promote the substance of the poem, and in places, quite the converse.  These are legitimate poetic devices but must be employed in the service of the poem.  Or not at all.

The opening stanza reflects the Speaker’s attention on the newspaper – the obituaries in the Sentinel of lots of folks - up to age 91.  We imagine him/her at the kitchen table, morning, a cup of coffee or tea at hand.  While it appears to be a lead-in to Carrie, it is foremost a focus on the Narrator.  My view is this is a wrong time to put the N. and his/her thoughts center stage.  After all, the N is not the subject of this poem, nor should be the reactions of the N.  You want to the readers to have a direct connection with Carrie, unfiltered through the N.

Moreover, this type of opening for a poem feels like a running start to the poem itself, which in this case is about Carrie, and not the N. and not all of these other people whose obits are being perused by the N.  Such an intro might work well in prose.  Or theater, or TV scripts.  Not so much with poetry.  You don’t want your readers off on a tangent speculating about how shallow or off the mark all of the other obituaries might be.  That can tend to deflate the strength of your Carrie discussion.  

I don’t understand the closing, as the thrust of the poem is that the point that the obit does not capture the Carrie’s life.  

Last thought – I like that the title gets me going in the right direction, that the poem is about Carrie, but after the first read I have that, and I think a good title should be expected to carry more water.  

That said, you show off to excellent effect your affinity for words and their sounds and how they can pleasingly be unfolded.  I particularly like the mid-stanza end rhyme at S.1 L.2-3 and the way it suggests the phrase “one and done”, and how that subtly reinforces the tragedy that is Carrie’s life, it unrecorded in the damn obit.

I am glad you are posting here, Aimè, after the whirlwind of NaPo.  While that was a celebration, our usual business is to provide a place to post and to get critical feedback to our poems.  All of the critique comments here should be directed to the poem and its provisions.  All comments should be received as comments on the poem and not on the poet.  

These comments are offered as my genuine reactions.  If they are not helpful, then please feel free to disregard with no hard feelings.  One of the beauties of this site is that you will get a variety of feedback – there is no one view.  Take what might be helpful and disregard the rest.  

I also want to say that at a different site one member picked at every poem I posted.  I didn’t really like it, but it made me better.  And when he said he liked something, I could trust it to be true.

In any event, thanks for posting this.  It helps to sharpen my own eye to figure these poems out and think through what my reaction actually is. 

Cheers.

T

ajduclos
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Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Re: Carrie

Post by ajduclos » Tue Jun 25, 2019 8:58 am

Tracy - thanks for your critique and thoughts.

I had to read, reread and reread many times more to start to see and understand all the points you are making.  I am beginning to glimpse much of what you say.

Mainly, I see that this write is addressing way too many things at once... as such, it pretty much expresses the confusion and sadness of the narrator.  All people are more than their obits, certainly; but Carrie was just a few terse lines........

I agree, this approach to writing was more in accord to a prose essay.  

I'll be playing with this writing some more.

Again, thanks.

Aj

Lecram06
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Re: Carrie

Post by Lecram06 » Wed Jun 26, 2019 8:27 am

ajduclos wrote:
Wed May 22, 2019 4:47 pm
 Carrie 

Eleven obituaries in this week's Sentinel
aged twenty-seven to ninety-one
from way too young to pretty much done
all mere snippets of lives
compressed to word counts and fees. 

Snippets of lives for most
hardly a snippet for
Carrie, 33, of smalltown, Maine
passed away in hospital
born 1985 in Portland, ME
daughter of John and Jane
graduated from high school
pre-deceased by grandmother
survived by a few kin
no services....
There.
Born and died.
That's it.
Done. 

Were there no walks on the beach
sunsets from the overlook
angry moments
creative thoughts
heart in pain
warm smiles
hands held
scratches healed with a kiss?
Lost to eternity.
Lost. 

Carrie's obituary
a life in four sentences. 

  
Aime,

After reading Carrie, I read the comments, ending with Tracy's thoughtful analysis. I am not skilled enough to add my critique. I find agreement with you that there is more than one poem in this experience: a man reads the obituaries, finds this one, and it evokes an internal whirlwind. There is at least a poem about the man's experience and one about an unknown Carrie. And this discussion challenges my own writing when I ask the question: shall it be prose or poetry?
Lecram 

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