The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Restless 

Sometimes it's just a scent on the breeze,
or warm tendrils of summer wind
reaching through midnight's cool.

The sharp tang of petrol,
the rasp of a raised boot
against a kickstart.

Or the soft slow creak of harness,
settling against a wooden peg, 
whispering "Don't forget me."

The call comes in many forms 
and only one answer is acceptable.

Move.  Go.  Travel.

Gyppo

Ahhhhhh...... the two wheel experience.  The freedom of travelling thru this world unfettered by norms and expectations............ all the sensory stuff you mention......... I finally gave in to the sanity of 4 wheels vrs two wheels - I love my roadster with the top down...... the road is the key - move, travel... just go !!!  move !!!
Nice...........
Aj  

There are days---more of them per week lately---that I want to throw a mattress in the back of my van and head for the inner sanctum of some national forest.

Thanks for this poem

Gyppo wrote: ↑

Fri May 24, 2019 3:40 pm

Restless 

Sometimes it's just a scent on the breeze,
or warm tendrils of summer wind
reaching through midnight's cool.

The sharp tang of petrol,
the rasp of a raised boot
against a kickstart.

Or the soft slow creak of harness,
settling against a wooden peg, 
whispering "Don't forget me."

The call comes in many forms 
and only one answer is acceptable.

Move.  Go.  Travel.

Gyppo

Hi Gyppo, 

This is one of my favorite topics! This got into gear in S2 for me. Petrol, raised boot and kickstart are more fresh for me than S1 which feels more relaxed and self satisfied to me. I love "Don't forget me."  Strong line breaks.

Wren

Thanks for the comments, Folks.  Sorry it took me a while to get back here.

Wren, I see what you mean about the first stanza.  I was going for the fact that sometimes it's the smallest things that send the call.  Obviously didn't quite work.

"Don't forget me."  Items of kit, or tools which haven't been used for a long time, tend to call to me.  Sometimes just wistfully, and sometimes very insistently.

Gyppo

I dislike all motorised vehicles but really enjoy the Poem and the obvious passion it intimates.
Dave
 

Thanks, Dave. 

Hey Gyppo !!!

That first stanza worked just fine for me... perhaps if S1 were followed by the gentler softer S3 rather than the aggressive motorcycle kick starting S2.......... I bet more folk would get your thoughts..........  

Loved it.

Aj

Gyp -- 
Very good poem, I enjoyed reading this very much.  There are a few things which stand out to me on which I will comment, but please take them more are discussion items that criticisms.

S.1 L.1 – “Sometimes” is a dangerous word to use in a poem, and even moreso to launch the poem.  It suggests the occurrence of the poem’s event is not unique, and happens enough to not be unusual. It also begs the question, what about the other times?  That’s a tangent down which you don’t want to send your readers.  There are rare occasions when that is the perfect word.  In this case it sounds to me like the Speaker clearing his throat before commencing the poem.

S.1 L.1 – “it’s”  – caution must be taken in the use of “it” as well – the reader will be wanting an immediate and precise reference for use, and the risk is a dead spot in the narrative.

S.1 L.1 – “just” Again, a limiting word with limited use – what does that word lend to the narrative in the all-important first line?  

How about opening the poem with this line: “A scent on the breeze”?

S.1 L3 – reaching >> beckoning? Just a thought.

S.2 L.1 – consider deleting “sharp”  – isn’t that included in “tang”, i.e. can there be a ‘dull’ tang from which this tang must be differentiated?

S.3 L.1 – “soft, slow. . .”  My ear says choose one, use one, but not both.

The finale – The capital letters seem modestly jarring in the last line, in the context of this poem.  If you like that, cool.  If not, it can be mitigated by ending stanza 4 with an m-dash rather than a period.  That would allow “move” to be de-capitalized along with “go” and “travel” if commas or elipses were used instead of the hard periods.  Just my thought.

Don’t take this as negative crit – if you don’t agree, don’t give it another thought.

I love the poem, the sentiment is so ripe and well presented.

Cheers.

T