The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

When it rains these days, it shatters air,
turns desire thin—

I stare at the blue veins around your eyes,
day-dream of buttons & bows.

Maybe we’re moon phases, maybe
we are loons in a small lake, all wings.

It’s not so sad to say we awaken
to autistic music, we just hear

different lyrics now and never know
what to sing to one another anymore.

Quietly impressive with some Beautiful lines.
Dave
 

Dave wrote: ↑

Tue Jun 04, 2019 2:21 pm

Quietly impressive with some Beautiful lines.
Dave
 

Thanks, Dave

I had to go to youtube to refresh my memory of the song "Buttons and Bows". East is east and west is west and the wrong one I have chose.

I'm not certain that's the line I should focus on but the lyrics do refer to a mismatch all the way through along with a willingness to put up with the differences. Its a cheery song over all but this poem is heart-wrenchingly sad.

The N longs for buttons & bows, from that I get that the ability to adjust, compromise and conquer differences with "love" has diminished over time. Not an uncommon life process.

I especially like the autistic music--the inability to relate to one another's lyrics.

Excellent writing with good clues to bring the reader in.

indar wrote: ↑

Sat Jun 08, 2019 12:54 pm

I had to go to youtube to refresh my memory of the song "Buttons and Bows". East is east and west is west and the wrong one I have chose.

I'm not certain that's the line I should focus on but the lyrics do refer to a mismatch all the way through along with a willingness to put up with the differences. Its a cheery song over all but this poem is heart-wrenchingly sad.

The N longs for buttons & bows, from that I get that the ability to adjust, compromise and conquer differences with "love" has diminished over time. Not an uncommon life process.

I especially like the autistic music--the inability to relate to one another's lyrics.

Excellent writing with good clues to bring the reader in.

The N is longing for a song that is relatable, for sure. I need to put it in italics also. And if that's the line that stands out for you, I think it's working as intended. Thank you.

Hi Tim,

Very nice presentation of this reflective POV.  Feel free to ignore these suggestions as they will tend to screw up the internal cadence and to some extent the format as well.  Moreover, I am not sure they constitute any improvements, other than conforming the tex to my ear’s want.

S.2 L.1 – delete “blue” – a veins are blue.

S.3 L.1 – consider deleting “Maybe we’re moon phases” – the loons image is so strong standing alone and you don’t want to let the air out of that one.  

S.5 L.2 – consider deleting “now”
S.5 L.2 – consider deleting “anymore”, or substituting this: “what to sing, one to the other”

Again, nice poem – thanks for sharing.

Cheers.

T