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Summer, 1949 with edited version

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indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Summer, 1949 (with edited version)

Post by indar » Fri Jun 14, 2019 10:51 am

Summer,1949 (edited version)

Northrup King morning glories are heavenly blue.
Dad zig zagged string from the turned wood porch rail
to the eaves. Tender vines corkscrewed
all the way up,
sprouted heart-shaped leaves and hundreds
of heavenly blue trumpets yawned wide
in the morning sun.

Mom tied a Chinese piano
to the gingerbread corner support,
glass rectangles hand-painted
with red and gold designs dangled from a tinsel pagoda,
breeze-tinkled as delicately as a fairy tea party held in the greenery.

Mom stood before the flowering screen
laughing in her white eyelet dress with the yellow bodice
and open-toed shoes. This two by two inch photo
is black and white but I remember
the colors and dad teasing her from behind his camera.
That was before the storm blew everything down.
Mom laid on her bed all day and cried
and she cried days after because 
the Chinese piano broke to pieces
and all the vines and flowers were hauled away
by the garbage man.
Grandma had me stay at her house,
she said my mother and father needed time alone. 

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Summer, 1949

Post by indar » Fri Jun 14, 2019 10:53 am

I've edited this one already and am considering a title change to A Glorious Morning, 1949

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Summer, 1949 with edited version

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Thu Jun 20, 2019 4:45 pm

Just wonderful.  This is a real fine ‘unreliable narrator’ poem, which are not easy to write.  Its not that the N is trying to be deceptive, but as a child she may not be understanding the whole story.  The inviting narrative has the reader right there through 3 stanzas.  At least that’s the way we feel. Until the storm blew everything down.  From there it comes into sharp focus that we are seeing this through the eyes of a child.  Something is happening in the adult world which the N may not fully understand.  Mom’s extreme reaction may result from marital problems – perhaps frustration at failed attempts to make a good family home, or perhaps some mental health issues.  Perhaps the multi-day crying jag reflects a pit of depression.  Whatever, it is something beyond the reach of the N’s understanding.  As a subtle note of the seriousness, as the Speaker calls her parents Mom and Dad, the Grandmother refers to them as “your mother and father”. 

The descriptions of the porch scene are lavished with lush detail, and it is instructive that in hindsight the Speaker recalls it all, which suggests in a foreshadowing sort of way that this was a seminal day in the family history.

My only quibbles are with the opening stanza. The language is electric, but muted.  Would you consider using the second line as the opening line?  Something like this:

Dad zig-zagged string from the white painted porch rail
for Northrup King morning glory vines to corkscrew their way
to the eves above, to sprout heart-shaped leaves and 
heavenly blue trumpets to yawn wide in the morning sun.

Just a thought - use or loose.

I think the "fairy laughter" has been adequately addressed.

Very good poeming, Indar.  This bears your signature stamp of so much humanness baked into the poem  

Thanks for sharing.

Cheers.

T


 

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Summer, 1949 with edited version

Post by indar » Fri Jun 21, 2019 10:05 am

Hi Homey,
I left my heart in Minnesota and I've been writing about our shared home state lately. My mother lingers in hospice, withdrawn most of the time and physically withering away. I find myself doing a review of life with her. She worked at Northrup King before I was born, we lived close to its location on Jackson St. I googled it while writing this. How strange to read about the lifespan of that company and its building. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Northrup-King

and now:

https://www.northrupkingbuilding.com/

My mother's sister (now 99) worked at Munsingwear now International Design Square.

In other words counting the warehouse district and these old converted buildings including the mills along the river with the art crawls and wonderful studio space what a great place to be an artist.

But now there is the ocean and the mountains etc.

Thank you for the fine reviews you've posted here. TTB has lain fallow for a while but it will rise again I'm sure.

PS I did attempt to address those damn laughing fairies--they are now tinkling their teacups in the vines.

indar
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Re: Summer, 1949 with edited version

Post by indar » Fri Jun 21, 2019 10:12 am

Oh another thing---the unreliable narrator:

I've written some other things from the perspective of a mistaken early interpretation of events but that device raises questions. The N is obviously an adult looking back at the situation and must surely realize the error of the child's perception. Does temporary suspension of disbelief work in this context?

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Summer, 1949 with edited version

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:09 pm

I wasn't sure exactly where the NK building was so I googled -- my son works nearby.  I didn't realize it was so close to Mayslack's Polka Lounge -- what a place for incredible beef sandwiches.  That neighborhood must have changed so much over the years.

Unreliable narrator -- it works regardless whether the Speaker knows better and is intentionally deceiving the reader, or instead is suffering from defect in memory, recall, or perception, or is naive, or without adequate knowledge.  The trick is to tip the reader at the most opportune time -- after the hook is set, of course.  you did that masterfully here, and without any aftertaste of deception. 

Delightful, again.

Cheers.

 

indar
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Re: Summer, 1949 with edited version

Post by indar » Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:57 pm

Mayslack's Polka Lounge


HMMMM Polka Lounge--isn't that an oxymoron? Good ol Nordeast
:D :D :D


Matty11
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Re: Summer, 1949 with edited version

Post by Matty11 » Sun Jun 23, 2019 7:12 am

hi Indar,
         The child's voice/viewpoint is convincingly done and drew this reader into the write. The ending is perfectly delivered and layers the read and shifts the reader perspective beyond the child. On the 'fairy' debate, I neither know what fairy laughter sounds like nor what constitutes a fairy tea party!
Northrup King morning glories are heavenly blue.
Dad zig zagged string from the turned wood porch rail
to the eaves.
Vines corkscrewed all the way up,
sprouted heart-shaped leaves, and hundreds of trumpets
yawned in the morning sun.

 
I don't feel you need to repeat heavenly blue and 'yawned' delivered the image without the 'wide'.
This two by two inch photo
is black and white but I remember
the colors and dad teasing her from behind his camera.
Love how the memory is so much more than the photo, the child colouring and hearing the memory - making it that more real.

best

Phil

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Summer, 1949 with edited version

Post by indar » Thu Jun 27, 2019 10:20 pm

Thank you Tracy,
I think I will change the first line of this to the title and that will promote the zig zag line to first position as you suggest.

Thank you as well Matty,
I am going to adopt your suggestions entirely--how did I miss that word combination "hundreds of trumpets"? 

I'm invested in this one and want to make it the best I can.

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