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WTF

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Colm Roe
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

WTF

Post by Colm Roe » Wed Jun 05, 2019 6:54 pm

They're selling ice cream cones in my local pub now!
Innocence introduced 
to a world that has none.

Another funeral last week,
I swear I could almost smell 
fried chicken mixed
with the money changers.

No eulogy...it seems
he didn't want one!
Modest people deserve them...
Tom did,
in a church

before gum ball machines
or plasma screens
remove all sense

and Jesus slips unnoticed, 
hidden hard in dollars signs, or
lubricates, unappreciated 
in Nevada's crumbling sand 

the good ones persist
without asking
find sinners where they fall
and fall with them.





  
 

ajduclos
Posts: 1746
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Re: WTF

Post by ajduclos » Thu Jun 06, 2019 7:09 pm

Colm - I really like this one, from the heart, with passion... from loss....  I get it, hear it.

How about moving the first verse to be the last verse...  toy with that for a while.........

Aj

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: WTF

Post by indar » Fri Jun 07, 2019 12:58 pm

OMG,WTF is a great piece of writing. Love the idea of ice cream cones representing innocence and the goings-on in pubs as the sins of the world (Its time ice cream is taken off the sin-list) :D

The ambivalence of the N over this development is amusing and a good intro to the rest of the accounts of strange mixtures of "good" and "bad": Jesus/money etc.

I love the last S, I believe the good ones willing to fall with the fallen refers to the humility of empathy. The world needs a lot more of those kind of fallen.

 

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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3179
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: WTF

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Thu Jun 20, 2019 4:32 pm

Awesome, evocative and accessible poeming, Colm.  S.1 is a real delight, but seems optional in WTF as the poem works the same with our without it.  

How great is ‘fried chicken mixed with the money changers’?  

S.3 – Consider losing the exclamation point - it doesn’t fit.  End line 3 with period. And also consider moving L.5 up into L.4.  I didn’t see any profit in the line break.

I saw some ambiguity in the finale – ‘find sinners where they fall and fall with them’.  Fall can mean fall from grace, in which case the priest is falling from grace as well.  It is a much more commendable outcome if ‘fall’ means death, as then the priest is going into the world and confront the evils that be on behalf of at side-by-side with his parishioners.  Just my take – love it. 

Cheers,

T

 

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