Crossroads
We met at a crossroads,
as travellers often do,
and for a while, both dazzled,
we were inseparable.
But our voices grew faint
until we realised
we travelled in opposite ways.
Now we wave politely in passing,
or speak for a while
when our roads run parallel.
Our children freely travel
the by-roads between us
and love us both in their own ways.
Gyppo
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Crossroads
Crossroads
I've been writing ever since I realised I could. Storytelling since I started talking. Poetry however comes and goes 
Re: Crossroads
Yes, Gyppo, I totally get it. sweetly written, tender. I know of which you speak. I envy your mutual honesty. I envy your ability to put your soul into words.
Aj
Aj
Re: Crossroads
Gentle and moving storytelling. It makes its point generously without resorting to a false cleverness.
Dave
Dave
Re: Crossroads
I agree with the other's comments--it's wonderful to read about a nice give and take in a relationship that could be contentious. And I mean "nice' in the best way.
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Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3399
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Crossroads
Hi Gyppo,
I love that you're continuing to participate here. You are a writer from whom we all can draw inspiration, heart and technical expertise. Plus you are a good guy, in spades.
Here's my take on this poem -- not one of your best. “Road” as metaphor for life is well trodden. The same goes for water, bodies of water, trees and clouds. Because they have been so fully treated by other writers, the mere invocation brings to mind a bevy of thoughts and images. Because of this pre-existing baggage, it gives the writing some serious shortcuts. Not all of them welcome.
I intentionally avoid using the word ‘cliche’, but this narrative skates pretty close. Yet, the theme is well presented and does make fair use of the metaphor which extends through the poem. So that, I think, is very good.
“Crossroads” is another well used word which brings its own baggage. If you are going to use it, I suggest using it only in the title or the first line, but not both. Your first line should excite and capture your readers, if only enough to get them into the poem. Here, it merely repeats the title and gives nothing additional to the poem.
S.1 L.2 – consider deleting this line as it is purely explanation and lets some air out of the balloon by saying the “meeting” in L.1 is routine and ordinary.
S.1 L3 – “both dazzled” >> “we dazzled each other”? Just asking.
S.2. L.2 – “until” ?? How about “as”?
S.3. L.1 – consider deleting “in passing” – it doesn’t add anything your reader hasn’t already deduced.
S.4 L.1 – “. . . freely travel. . .” >> “. . . travel freely. . .” Just asking.
You really hit your theme well in this poem, and I love the ending.
Comments are yours to take or leave.
Cheers.
T
I love that you're continuing to participate here. You are a writer from whom we all can draw inspiration, heart and technical expertise. Plus you are a good guy, in spades.
Here's my take on this poem -- not one of your best. “Road” as metaphor for life is well trodden. The same goes for water, bodies of water, trees and clouds. Because they have been so fully treated by other writers, the mere invocation brings to mind a bevy of thoughts and images. Because of this pre-existing baggage, it gives the writing some serious shortcuts. Not all of them welcome.
I intentionally avoid using the word ‘cliche’, but this narrative skates pretty close. Yet, the theme is well presented and does make fair use of the metaphor which extends through the poem. So that, I think, is very good.
“Crossroads” is another well used word which brings its own baggage. If you are going to use it, I suggest using it only in the title or the first line, but not both. Your first line should excite and capture your readers, if only enough to get them into the poem. Here, it merely repeats the title and gives nothing additional to the poem.
S.1 L.2 – consider deleting this line as it is purely explanation and lets some air out of the balloon by saying the “meeting” in L.1 is routine and ordinary.
S.1 L3 – “both dazzled” >> “we dazzled each other”? Just asking.
S.2. L.2 – “until” ?? How about “as”?
S.3. L.1 – consider deleting “in passing” – it doesn’t add anything your reader hasn’t already deduced.
S.4 L.1 – “. . . freely travel. . .” >> “. . . travel freely. . .” Just asking.
You really hit your theme well in this poem, and I love the ending.
Comments are yours to take or leave.
Cheers.
T