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derelict home

Posted: Sat Jun 29, 2019 3:14 pm
by Dave
Version 2

Water conjures life in a bottle
lodged between hot stones;
l
ong abandoned ideas,
abstract among dandelions and ivy.
 
He slips a twist of grass
between his finger and thumb
careful not to razor the skin
and extracts a primal screech.
 
For no discernable reason
he imagines a pomegranate,
his thumb as it penetrates
the coarsely red shell
 
to reveal a rich earth of seeds,
as if Mars was a forgotten fruit.
Decay’s barely perceptible murmur
confides with the weeds.
 
His legs tire from hunkering down,
so he stretches and unlocks knots,
before heading out into the street.
He slips into the flow of faces.

Original
Water conjures life in a bottle
lodged between hot stones.
His long abandoned ideas,
abstract among dandelions and ivy.
 
He slips a twist of grass
between his finger and thumb
careful not to razor the skin
and extracts a primal screech.
 
Nothing stirs beneath the heat,
not even dust, but his blood’s
soft murmur and that faint
cracking of an invisible skin.
 
For no discernable reason
he imagines a pomegranate,
his thumb as it penetrates
the coarsely red shell
 
to reveal a rich earth of seeds,
as if Mars was a forgotten fruit.
Decay’s barely perceptible voice
whispers through the weeds.
 
His legs tire from hunkering down,
so he stretches and unlocks knots,
before heading out into the street.
He slips into the flow of faces.
 

Re: derelict home

Posted: Sat Jun 29, 2019 8:09 pm
by Matty11
as if Mars was a forgotten fruit.
Well, that line was worth the entry price...actually I liked this one almost as much...
Decay’s barely perceptible voice
Though the fact this voice whispers is no great revelation. Would a more twisted option be...
Decay’s barely perceptible voice
caresses the weeds.
best

Phil

Re: derelict home

Posted: Sun Jun 30, 2019 4:51 pm
by Dave
Thanks Matty for the two thumbs up and the pointer to the weakness of whispers. You are so right.

Dave

Re: derelict home

Posted: Sat Jul 13, 2019 3:42 am
by Tracy Mitchell
Lovely poem.  A deep longing, a little regret, plenty of wistful.  This reads like a song. I love the way it is put together.  Both versions are strong.  If it were mine, I would keep the first version, delete the last stanza, and end the poem with:

Decay’s barely perceptible voice
whispers through the weeds.


Just my thought.  Also, consider S.3 L.4 - delete the word “an”.

Wonderful poem.

T
 
 

Re: derelict home

Posted: Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:22 pm
by indar
I expected to read about an abandoned house from the title but realize you have portrayed a world that is home to a person often labeled a derelict. The details are the same everywhere: e.g. cast-off bottles growing stuff, but there is this tiny peek at the world of this particular man who has some special attributes. He is playful--I held a blade of quackgrass between my thumbs and made it screech when I was a kid, he is imaginative in the way he views the life in a bottle and pomegranate/mars comparison and he had dreams. Yet he becomes anonymous as he slips into the crowd leaving the reader to wonder what happened in his life. Empathetic, relatable write. Thank you.

Re: derelict home

Posted: Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:51 pm
by Mark
Strong writing, with a complex pace within a well-drawn atmosphere.