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My girl friend is pint-sized

Posted: Wed Sep 04, 2019 9:58 pm
by Matty11
revision

A winter's pace, the frost winking,
    my rucksack weighted
with your checklist. I trudge back.

Unbridled, you stride on. Stature
  defines us. At the top
you waving. Me frowning from afar.


original

A winter's pace, the frost winking,
    my rucksack weighted
with your checklist. I trudge back.

Unbridled, you stride on. Distance
  defines us. At the top
you waving. Me frowning from afar.

Re: My girl friend is pint-sized

Posted: Mon Sep 09, 2019 5:43 pm
by poet-e
I don't get how the title, "My girl friend is pint-sized," relates/connects to the rest of the poem.

In the 'Boston Legal' show, an attorney jokes "My girl friend is pint-sized" b/c she's a small person....    ;)

Re: My girl friend is pint-sized

Posted: Mon Sep 09, 2019 11:47 pm
by Matty11
Thanks P. I have made a small change that will hopefully give a nudge on the title/poem thread.

best

Phil

Re: My girl friend is pint-sized

Posted: Wed Sep 11, 2019 2:35 pm
by Deb
Hi Matty? Phil? 

I'm confused about what to call you.

Your poem, I get it. Now I feel a little more guilty about my husband carrying my backpack on our day hikes. He volunteers, though.


The frost winking is a nice touch and I love that the rucksack is filled with her checklist and not her things. Subtle.
Then, you still have the climb.

I understood what you meant by the distance the first time I read this but I believe the change you made is nicely done.

~Deb
 

Re: My girl friend is pint-sized

Posted: Thu Sep 12, 2019 3:11 pm
by indar
I taught drawing for many years and started with (yawn) rules of perspective. The girlfriend (unemcumbered) strides on ahead and is at the top. I can only think of this as a description of what happens to two objects in space, one at a further distance from the other, higher and smaller on the 1 dimentional surface.  Works for me as an analogy for a relationship.

Re: My girl friend is pint-sized

Posted: Fri Sep 13, 2019 7:58 am
by Matty11
Thanks Deb and Linda.
Your poem, I get it. Now I feel a little more guilty about my husband carrying my backpack on our day hikes. He volunteers, though.
:) That made me smile, but on reflection, is this male pride? :roll:
I taught drawing for many years
I've been dabbling with drawing recently. Perhaps there could be a drawing/painting/art forum?

Appreciate the feedback both.

cheers

Phil