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Neighbors
Neighbors
Their voices fall against the window,
a sort of violence of words; words hit
steamed glass, echo
and strike the couple separated by floor tile.
He, skeletal, robed, moves to a door almost
haunted, hunted, a rolled newspaper
in his hand. On the other side of the room,
she listens hard, face like a clock dial.
From the television, ten o’clock news
growls, muffles his under-the-breath
fuck you, girl
the roll slap of the newspaper
into his calloused palm.
a sort of violence of words; words hit
steamed glass, echo
and strike the couple separated by floor tile.
He, skeletal, robed, moves to a door almost
haunted, hunted, a rolled newspaper
in his hand. On the other side of the room,
she listens hard, face like a clock dial.
From the television, ten o’clock news
growls, muffles his under-the-breath
fuck you, girl
the roll slap of the newspaper
into his calloused palm.
Last edited by Tim J Brennan on Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- Wren Tuatha
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Re: Neighbors
Very nice portrait. The details are well chosen. Thanks!
Re: Neighbors
Effectively done Tim. Particularly the pent up aggression in the rolled up newspaper as if to swat a fly.
Best
Phil
Best
Phil
- Tracy Mitchell
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- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Neighbors
Like this, Tim, well crafted.
T
T
Re: Neighbors
Thanks for the comments, but needed to make some edits. Hard to slap the newspaper into the palm w/a glass of water in his hand
Re: Neighbors
I'm glad you took that bit out. The 'slapstick comedy' moment didn't set well amongst the rest. I did a 'theatrical walk-through' to see if I was reading it correctly.
Lots of words there which add to the mood of pending violence.
Lots of words there which add to the mood of pending violence.
I've been writing ever since I realised I could. Storytelling since I started talking. Poetry however comes and goes
- Sharon Leigh
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Re: Neighbors
An excellent study, its all there in its gritty glory. Always enjoy your pen, never over-written, but focused in the best way. I didn't see it pre-edit but as it stands now it's powerfully ended on the tactile slap of paper in calloused palm. Bravo
Re: Neighbors
Unlike the others I struggle to visualize some of this. The voices falling against the window - for me fall implies from above. Yet I fail to see how that would work. Moreover I can't relate the fall of the words to the violence of the words. Could be me of course. Fall is not powerful enough a word to produce the violence.
Separated by floor tile - produces similar problems of visualization for me - does it mean they sit on opposite ends of the room - something we are told anyway. Or is there a wall between them?
I don't like the repetitions but that's is a personal preference.
The fuck you, girl despite the latent aggression feels like another poem.
Anyway provides a great deal of intensity for so few words.
Dave
Separated by floor tile - produces similar problems of visualization for me - does it mean they sit on opposite ends of the room - something we are told anyway. Or is there a wall between them?
I don't like the repetitions but that's is a personal preference.
The fuck you, girl despite the latent aggression feels like another poem.
Anyway provides a great deal of intensity for so few words.
Dave
Re: Neighbors
I'll take intensity, Dave. Thanks.Dave wrote: ↑Tue Jan 14, 2020 1:13 pmUnlike the others I struggle to visualize some of this. The voices falling against the window - for me fall implies from above. Yet I fail to see how that would work. Moreover I can't relate the fall of the words to the violence of the words. Could be me of course. Fall is not powerful enough a word to produce the violence.
Separated by floor tile - produces similar problems of visualization for me - does it mean they sit on opposite ends of the room - something we are told anyway. Or is there a wall between them?
I don't like the repetitions but that's is a personal preference.
The fuck you, girl despite the latent aggression feels like another poem.
Anyway provides a great deal of intensity for so few words.
Dave
Re: Neighbors
Me, too (glad I took it out). Thanks for the words of encouragement.