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Re: Big Orange Sun
Posted: Fri Jan 17, 2020 5:07 pm
by Sharon Leigh
Hi Trish, what a treat to read your work here on TTB! I found this captivating, it does instill an urge to seize the day for certain. I enjoy the tone here, not disdainful but instead pensive, with a yearning for life. The title and opening image warm the entire poem, for me, creating a strong sense of vitality and hope which informs the rest of the piece.
It's a tiny thing, but in S2, L4 , I couldn't help but want "wood" in place of "woods", after the close proximity of "crumbs". Maybe?
Makes me want to book a flight to Italy post haste
Much enjoyed
Re: Big Orange Sun
Posted: Fri Jan 17, 2020 7:53 pm
by Trish Saunders
Hi Indar, I appreciate all of the fb I've received, it's amazing how much trouble people have gone to and I'm putting it to use. Thank you especially for the advice re: verbs. I"m also rethinking the title. I love Italy (as who does not?) and hope to return to spend a year in so in Rome. (It may be just a dream. Going to try.) I appreciate the warm welcome.
Warm regards,
Trish
Re: Big Orange Sun
Posted: Fri Jan 17, 2020 7:55 pm
by Trish Saunders
Hi, Sharon; I've received very useful feedback on this poem, including yours, and I'm putting it to use. Thanks for the advice re: woods. I think you're right about that. Warm regards,
Trish
Re: Big Orange Sun
Posted: Fri Feb 07, 2020 9:39 am
by Tracy Mitchell
Hi Trish,
I'm late to comment, but have been reading the poem since it was posted. The opening line recalls
"Please Come to Boston", and parts of "
Four Strong Winds". Here, the imperative is to live life, best said in this choice line:
Leave them. Take the Bullet to Pompeii.
The
ardent cadavers are suggestive of the
exquisite corpse /
exquisite cadaver of the surrealists. I believe it was a parlor game of sorts.
The bread crumbs are a wonderful simile, as I imagine furry things gobbling them, making the way back impossible -- lost as the years slide back. And lost like Hanzel and Gretel. I am not sure about the bread crumbs being "wet". Striking, but maybe not helpful. Just a thought.
I am also wondering if "in the city of dust" is needed. I know what Tom Reardon might say.
Wonderful poem, Trish.
Cheers.
T