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Enough

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
Tim J Brennan

Re: Enough

Post by Tim J Brennan » Mon Feb 17, 2020 11:20 am

This is a beautiful poem.

And I'd go with "clang"....the tray is metal. Or some such word. Force isn't important. The sound would sound the alarm of ferocity.

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Enough

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Feb 17, 2020 11:26 am

Oh my. . . a third option -- "clang".   :)
Yeah, that works too.  
Appreciate your comments, Tim.

T

indar
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Re: Enough

Post by indar » Mon Feb 17, 2020 12:21 pm

Not cancer--Grave's disease more common to MG patients. I'm all better now. :D

poet-e
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Re: Enough

Post by poet-e » Mon Feb 17, 2020 12:36 pm

Unclear what's in the shot glass, but never had @indar's experiences.

This seems awkward:
"She put on red blazer over white blouse,
black slacks, two inch heals."
Maybe:
She put on [a/her] red blazer over white blouse,
black slacks, [and] two inch heals. 

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Enough

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Tue Feb 18, 2020 2:14 pm

Hello Poet-e,

I was intentionally vague on what's in the glass.  I thought the poem suggests a serious illness, and industrial-strength medicine.  Right or wrong, I thought that was technical enough for the narrative.

You are right about the grammar in S.2.  I try to drop articles whenever I can.  But I tend to err on the strong side.  This appears to be one of those occasions.  Thanks for the flag.

Cheers.

T

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Colm Roe
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Re: Enough

Post by Colm Roe » Tue Feb 18, 2020 2:21 pm

:)

ajduclos
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Re: Enough

Post by ajduclos » Tue Feb 18, 2020 4:28 pm

I agree - SLAMS !!!!!!!

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Enough

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Wed Feb 19, 2020 7:53 am

Thanks for weighing in, AJ.   :)

Dave
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Re: Enough

Post by Dave » Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:06 am

Not for the first time I am going to feel like the stupidest person on a thread but I am not really getting the chronology which seems to suggest that the patient dressed first (past tense in the poem) before getting into scrubs ( present tense). I presume there is a time lapse the poem is hiding. Leastways this juxtaposition does not work for me very smoothly.
The poem is a bit too coy in order to be clever so that the patient for me loses contour and meaning. The discussion of clang, bang or whatever does not add or take away to the patient's experience of the situation, but it should. They do change the tone of the poem as poem - prefer slam, which at least tells me more about the person, whereas clang, for example reflects the sound of glass on metal.

Dave
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Re: Enough

Post by Dave » Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:10 am

By the way Tracy I would drop both empty and cold from the last line - they are giving too much unnecessary direction and the word device in the last stanza rings fake to my ears - who in God's name would say drinking device?

Otherwise interesting stuff as always.
dave

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