The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

This is a beautiful poem.

And I'd go with "clang"....the tray is metal. Or some such word. Force isn't important. The sound would sound the alarm of ferocity.

Oh my. . . a third option -- "clang".  
Yeah, that works too.  
Appreciate your comments, Tim.

T

Not cancer--Grave's disease more common to MG patients. I'm all better now.

Unclear what's in the shot glass, but never had @indar's experiences.

This seems awkward:
"She put on red blazer over white blouse,
black slacks, two inch heals."
Maybe:
She put on [a/her] red blazer over white blouse,
black slacks, [and] two inch heals. 

Hello Poet-e,

I was intentionally vague on what's in the glass.  I thought the poem suggests a serious illness, and industrial-strength medicine.  Right or wrong, I thought that was technical enough for the narrative.

You are right about the grammar in S.2.  I try to drop articles whenever I can.  But I tend to err on the strong side.  This appears to be one of those occasions.  Thanks for the flag.

Cheers.

T

I agree - SLAMS !!!!!!!

Thanks for weighing in, AJ.  

Not for the first time I am going to feel like the stupidest person on a thread but I am not really getting the chronology which seems to suggest that the patient dressed first (past tense in the poem) before getting into scrubs ( present tense). I presume there is a time lapse the poem is hiding. Leastways this juxtaposition does not work for me very smoothly.
The poem is a bit too coy in order to be clever so that the patient for me loses contour and meaning. The discussion of clang, bang or whatever does not add or take away to the patient's experience of the situation, but it should. They do change the tone of the poem as poem - prefer slam, which at least tells me more about the person, whereas clang, for example reflects the sound of glass on metal.

By the way Tracy I would drop both empty and cold from the last line - they are giving too much unnecessary direction and the word device in the last stanza rings fake to my ears - who in God's name would say drinking device?

Otherwise interesting stuff as always.
dave