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Different Worlds

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Tim J Brennan

Different Worlds

Post by Tim J Brennan » Tue Feb 18, 2020 7:25 am

World,
you know
a miscarriage
makes me
even more human
than birth

Place your hand
in mine,
my hand
swims
like a fish
toward another
world

poet-e
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 3:10 pm

Re: Different Worlds

Post by poet-e » Tue Feb 18, 2020 1:10 pm

Don't get 2nd stanza or how it's connected to the 1st.

N's hand swims like a fish?

Tim J Brennan

Re: Different Worlds

Post by Tim J Brennan » Tue Feb 18, 2020 1:56 pm

Okay.

Thanks, poet-e.

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Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 3179
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: Different Worlds

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Tue Feb 18, 2020 2:04 pm

Love it, Tim.  Maybe the best poem of yours I've ever seen, and that's going some.

No crit, but just a thought -- break S.2 like this:


Place your hand
in mine.

My hand
swims
like a fish
toward another
world.


I think the gestalt deserves added emphasis, added pause.  i can't (and won't try to) articulate why I feel this.

Cheers.

T
 

Tim J Brennan

Re: Different Worlds

Post by Tim J Brennan » Tue Feb 18, 2020 8:36 pm

Tracy Mitchell wrote:
Tue Feb 18, 2020 2:04 pm
Love it, Tim.  Maybe the best poem of yours I've ever seen, and that's going some.

No crit, but just a thought -- break S.2 like this:


Place your hand
in mine.

My hand
swims
like a fish
toward another
world.


I think the gestalt deserves added emphasis, added pause.  i can't (and won't try to) articulate why I feel this.

Cheers.

T
 

I will give this thought. My initial thought was Different worlds, two stanzas. Has to be. But, I see your point and I appreciate some new eyes.

Thanks, Tracy.

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