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Different Worlds
Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2020 7:25 am
by Tim J Brennan
World,
you know
a miscarriage
makes me
even more human
than birth
Place your hand
in mine,
my hand
swims
like a fish
toward another
world
Re: Different Worlds
Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2020 1:10 pm
by poet-e
Don't get 2nd stanza or how it's connected to the 1st.
N's hand swims like a fish?
Re: Different Worlds
Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2020 1:56 pm
by Tim J Brennan
Okay.
Thanks, poet-e.
Re: Different Worlds
Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2020 2:04 pm
by Tracy Mitchell
Love it, Tim. Maybe the best poem of yours I've ever seen, and that's going some.
No crit, but just a thought -- break S.2 like this:
Place your hand
in mine.
My hand
swims
like a fish
toward another
world.
I think the gestalt deserves added emphasis, added pause. i can't (and won't try to) articulate why I feel this.
Cheers.
T
Re: Different Worlds
Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2020 8:36 pm
by Tim J Brennan
Tracy Mitchell wrote: ↑Tue Feb 18, 2020 2:04 pm
Love it, Tim. Maybe the best poem of yours I've ever seen, and that's going some.
No crit, but just a thought -- break S.2 like this:
Place your hand
in mine.
My hand
swims
like a fish
toward another
world.
I think the gestalt deserves added emphasis, added pause. i can't (and won't try to) articulate why I feel this.
Cheers.
T
I will give this thought. My initial thought was Different worlds, two stanzas. Has to be. But, I see your point and I appreciate some new eyes.
Thanks, Tracy.