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DayDreams (in Searching for Kadesh collection)

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poet-e
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

DayDreams (in Searching for Kadesh collection)

Post by poet-e » Mon Feb 24, 2020 8:25 pm

DayDreams

What would you do if you’re healed?
    I want to feel the dirt as I run barefoot home.
        I want to see the sea’s crashing waves.
            I want to cleanse myself of the stench of this blood browned dress, and go dance and sing inside the temple.
                I want to eat a feast, a banquet fit for royalty.

I’d throw a party and invite every
single friend and family member
who disowned me, ignoring me
on the street, and rub it in their
jaw dropped faces.

She’d stop staring silently into the sky.
    I bet she’d talk our ears off, telling these and those things about her life, and all the gossip she picked up.

I’d like to see my family.
I’d like to have my own family; a husband and children. I’d cook and clean. I’d never nag, or try not to. I’d be the best wife in the whole village.
I’d know a woman like no one has known her.
    Me too. Definitely.
        I want to be known.
I’d like to live alone.
I’d like to go live in the mountains and join the men resisting. I’d like to be able to fight.

I’d eat and eat and eat. I’d stop to drink too.
I’d move back to my village, marry my childhood love, and work for my father to provide for my wife and kids. I’d have many many kids; so many kids my wife wouldn’t know what to do with all of them. But I’d be good to her, so good.
I’d move anywhere but back to my village; perhaps by the sea. I could fish for a living. Let the sea and hard ship life wear down my body instead of this illness.
I’d build a home myself, callusing my hands. Find work. Marry. Raise some kids. Celebrate the festivals.
        Forget the festivals.
            I haven’t been able to celebrate any of the holidays or the Sabbath since I got here.
                None of us have.

I’d love being a mother.
I’d travel to far far faraway lands.
    I’d help people who haven’t been healed.

I’d just like
to belong again.


 

User avatar
Tracy Mitchell
Posts: 1971
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 10:58 pm

Re: DayDreams (in Searching for Kadesh collection)

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Tue Feb 25, 2020 3:24 pm

Thoroughly enjoyable poem.  Uplifting.  The voices are genuine, though it is not always possible to tell when one voice is done and the next voice begins.  Maybe that's part of the point, that these expressions are like a chorus  

Some of the expressions wander toward the more routine, not to say cliche, but could be fresher -- surely these folks have some sharp and/or startling dreams. For example:  ". . . the sea’s crashing waves. . . a feast, a banquet fit for royalty. . . she’d talk our ears off. . .  travel to far far faraway lands. . . ."

There are also some powerful phrases and lines -- the stench of this blood browned dress. . . Let the sea and hard ship life wear down my body instead of this illness. . . ." 

Small nit:  S.2 L.5 >  hyphenate "jaw dropped"

Nice ending to the poem.

Cheers.

T



 

poet-e
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

Re: DayDreams (in Searching for Kadesh collection)

Post by poet-e » Fri Feb 28, 2020 6:18 pm

Tracy Mitchell wrote:
Tue Feb 25, 2020 3:24 pm
Some of the expressions wander toward the more routine, not to say cliche, but could be fresher -- surely these folks have some sharp and/or startling dreams. For example:  ". . . the sea’s crashing waves. . . a feast, a banquet fit for royalty. . . she’d talk our ears off. . .  travel to far far faraway lands. . . ."


Cheers.

T
Thanks T. 

I'm unsure how to make it fresher...  I think I understand, but not entirely.

poet-e
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

Re: DayDreams (in Searching for Kadesh collection)

Post by poet-e » Fri Feb 28, 2020 6:22 pm

Tracy Mitchell wrote:
Tue Feb 25, 2020 3:24 pm
Thoroughly enjoyable poem.  Uplifting.  The voices are genuine, though it is not always possible to tell when one voice is done and the next voice begins.  Maybe that's part of the point, that these expressions are like a chorus 

I have difficulty pasting here w/o losing formatting.  I was lazy not reformatting the org post.  Here's another try...
 
DayDreams 

What would you do if you’re healed?
            I want to feel the dirt as I run barefoot home.
                        I want to see the sea’s crashing waves.
                                    I want to cleanse myself of the stench of this blood browned dress, and go dance and sing inside the temple.
                                                I want to eat a feast, a banquet fit for royalty.  
I’d throw a party and invite every
single friend and family member
who disowned me, ignoring me
on the street, and rub it in their
jaw dropped faces.
 
She’d stop staring silently into the sky.
            I bet she’d talk our ears off, telling these and those things about her life, and all the gossip she picked up. 

            I’d like to see my family.
                        I’d like to have my own family; a husband and children. I’d cook and clean. I’d never nag, or try not to. I’d be the best wife in the whole village.
                        I’d know a woman like no one has known her. 
                                   Me too. Definitely.
                                                 I want to be known.
            II’d like to live alone.
I’d like to go live in the mountains and join the men resisting. I’d like to be able to fight.
 

I’d eat and eat and eat. I’d stop to drink too.
            I’d move back to my village, marry my childhood love, and work for my father to provide for my wife and kids. I’d have many many kids; so many kids my wife wouldn’t know what to do with all of them. But I’d be good to her, so good.
            I’d move anywhere but back to my village; perhaps by the sea. I could fish for a living. Let the sea and hard ship life wear down my body instead of this illness.
            I’d build a home myself, callusing my hands. Find work. Marry. Raise some kids. Celebrate the festivals.
                        Forget the festivals.

                                    I haven’t been able to celebrate any of the holidays or the Sabbath since I got here.
                                                None of us have.  

I’d love being a mother.
            I’d travel to far far faraway lands.
                        I’d help people who haven’t been healed.
 

I’d just like
to belong again.

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