Welcome to The Tangled Branch!  Join us.

My God

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
User avatar
Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

My God

Post by Colm Roe » Wed Mar 04, 2020 7:35 pm

Sleep rewires an unsettling sense of rebirth
and we still wake
surprised.

Each night I grave in swaddled sinks,
settle deeper as hands clasp tighter
with every Lord's prayer, prayed
just before sleep.

He listens you know, because we create him.
We make everything
in fabulous wild confusions.

We've consumed so many Gods
and serpents, swallow them whole
in clinical gulps,
yet still believe
he created us!

My God dies with me, and
that makes Him
very happy.

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: My God

Post by indar » Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:01 am

Hi Colm,

I remember sparkey often admonished me for starting poems with what he called "throat clearing". I think the poem really starts with "He Listens" and there begins a nice take on the mind of god/mind of man connection. I am not entirely comfortable with the "we" pronoun---would love your take on the subject if you could frame it as YOUR experience (as you have done in final S). 

Love love love:
We've consumed so many Gods
and serpents, swallow them whole
in clinical gulps,
yet still believe
he created us!

User avatar
Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: My God

Post by Colm Roe » Thu Mar 05, 2020 5:44 pm

Hi Linda,
Think you're right about 'we'.
Don't see the first two stanzas as clearing my throat; but it is the first poem I've written in a while so maybe you caught a sense of that? Or maybe I was :? :)
I didn't think this was going to be well received so I'm glad you liked some of it :)

Tim J Brennan

Re: My God

Post by Tim J Brennan » Thu Mar 05, 2020 8:59 pm

S4 needs to be consistent in tense to make sense (e.g. consumed calls for swallowed).

Any poem will be well received if written well. Not sure why you would tag it beforehand as not. Doing it a dis-service, methinks.

I enjoyed the read.

ajduclos
Posts: 1746
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Re: My God

Post by ajduclos » Fri Mar 06, 2020 10:00 am

I like this, Colm. 

Nice lead-in to the meat re the first two stanzas - disagree (Linda) that the first two stanzas are throat clearing, but rather table setting.

We, as a supposed sapient race, have for thousands of years created our gods in our "image and likeness."  

Agree with Tim, tense in S4 - chose one............

And if you capitalize God, Him, He here and there, perhaps do it everywhere (there's that rhyme, again !!!) 

Aj

User avatar
Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: My God

Post by Colm Roe » Fri Mar 06, 2020 6:38 pm

Thanks Aj.
'We consumed', is about our entire past history... it's what we've always done.
Present tense 'swallow', was intentional; it's a quick/easy way of saying that we are still doing it... without having to use too many words :)

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: My God

Post by Dave » Sat Mar 07, 2020 12:54 am

Overall Colm I really like this. While understanding a defence of the beginning, I also felt a disconnect to the rest, in particular the first four lines, which could in my view go without harming the poem. If they stay they don't detract from the rest but in my opinion distract.

You can solve the tense disharmony, which really does not work grammatically even if the intention is clear, is to add an extra 'we' as in 'we swallow them whole'.

Love the ending.

ajduclos
Posts: 1746
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:35 pm

Re: My God

Post by ajduclos » Sat Mar 07, 2020 4:51 am

Colm Roe wrote:
Fri Mar 06, 2020 6:38 pm
Thanks Aj.
'We consumed', is about our entire past history... it's what we've always done.
Present tense 'swallow', was intentional; it's a quick/easy way of saying that we are still doing it... without having to use too many words :)

I saw that as a possibility of what you were saying, but without adding a "we" before swallow (as Dave points out) it just felt uncomfortable...  I think Dave's "fix" is right on.

Really like the poem and the subject matter.

Aj 

User avatar
Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: My God

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Mar 07, 2020 10:17 am

Thanks Tim and Aj.

User avatar
Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: My God

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Mar 07, 2020 7:32 pm

And apols Dave...thanks for the read.

Post Reply